tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47939568117626734302024-03-13T06:48:31.961-04:00Childfree ChristianThoughts on the intersection of Christianity and childfreedom.I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.comBlogger90125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-87416310859694435652013-08-11T10:30:00.003-04:002013-08-11T10:30:49.121-04:00On the UpswingNear the end of <i>The Magician's Nephew</i>, C.S. Lewis wrote, "When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better." This seems to sum up the past several months for my husband and me!<br />
<br />
I hesitate to divulge too much about our situation lest I "out" myself, but suffice it to say that months dragged on in a downward spiral, but by the grace of God and the help of some amazing doctors, suddenly things began to improve. I am sure I will never understand why God allows life-threatening illness in the first place, but he has definitely shown us great compassion throughout the ordeal.<br />
<br />
And throughout this time, we have had several people finally acknowledge what a blessing it is for us to not have children... "My gosh, you must be especially glad right now that you don't have kids," or "It must be a relief that you don't also have children to worry about." Yes, yes it is. This may also influenced by the fact that, while there is no clear evidence that the issue we face is hereditary in our case, this condition tends to run in families. When I consider that we could have condemned another person to suffer what we have been through, I am grateful that I will never have to carry that burden of guilt.<br />
<br />
For now, we continue to enjoy things going right and getting better and better.I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-31263705067016822662013-01-12T11:17:00.000-05:002013-01-12T11:17:50.622-05:00Thankfulness ContinuedI have said (in some form or another) on many occasions in the blog that I believe God intended for me to not have children, and I find it a blessing, something for which I am abundantly grateful.<br />
<br />
It's been a couple of months since my last post, and part of the reason for that (aside from sometimes simply running out of things to say!) is that some of the health issues that were going on back then in our household have escalated in unexpected ways.<br />
<br />
As we have been facing doctors offices and hospitals, tests, medical bills, and the stress over health and finances, hardly a day has gone by when I haven't breathed a prayer of gratitude for being childfree. There have been a few days when I felt pushed to the edge of my sanity, and I thought, "How would I have possibly been able to handle this if I also had children to look after?!" Perhaps that makes me weaker than those who have to care for children while enduring similar trials, but I do believe that God knows my weaknesses and has spared me from an added emotional and financial burden that might have crushed me.<br />
<br />
Life has fundamentally changed for us, and I expect that things are going to get worse before they get better, but we do find some comfort in the ways God has been demonstrating his care and faithfulness.<br />
<br />
I am also grateful for those of you with whom I have had the pleasure of interacting on this blog. Even though most of us don't actually know each other, I am touched by your stories, struggles, and words of encouragement, and I do pray for you folks. Whenever God might bring us to your mind, I would be thankful for your prayers too.I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-9564670816273110112012-11-14T20:44:00.000-05:002012-11-14T20:44:49.025-05:00It's That Time of YearIt's the time of year when an abundance of people in my facebook newsfeed are posting daily updates on what they are thankful for. Though I try to avoid facebook trends, I have nothing against it, and in fact, it has given me pause for thought about what makes me thankful.<br />
<br />
It is also the time of year when everyone around here has been ill with one thing or another. One of my colleagues K has not only fought illness herself, but she has had to contend with the sickness of several children... dragging kids to the doctor, having to leave work early to pick up sick kids from school, missing work herself, and on and on it goes.<br />
<br />
I finally lost my battle with one of the bugs going around. I was never quite sick enough to stay home from work, but it did take all the strength I could muster to get through the day and then drag myself home to collapse into bed. Each day for several days, as I allowed myself to rest and recuperate, I thought about how fortunate I was <i>to simply be able to do so</i>. I considered how different my situation was from K's, and all I could think was, "Thank God I don't have kids." When my husband fell sick, I could leave him at home to take care of himself so that I did not fall behind at work.<br />
<br />
So while I won't post it on facebook (no need to open myself to the negativity that would undoubtedly ensue), I can share with you here: today I am thankful that I don't have children... that I <i>want to</i> not have children... and that I have the freedom and the capability to make the choice not to have children.I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-24335142298647467062012-09-25T20:58:00.001-04:002012-09-25T21:01:41.716-04:00“I would be so bored.”<div class="MsoNormal">
While engaged in a discussion on campus about paths in life
and about how things might be different if one had chosen the other direction
at some fork in life’s road, I was unsurprised that several women focused on
their decision to have children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Certainly, that is the most monumental decision in many people’s
lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As they described the pros and
cons of that choice, I was happy for them that their kids gave them
satisfaction in life and motivation to return to (or begin) college, but I was
perplexed at one theme that was repeated:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“If I didn’t have kids, I would be so bored.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I will wholeheartedly agree that I have more leisure
time than most parents I know, so I can understand how a parent might be so
busy that she forgets what she used to do in her past free time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But to remember it as boring, or to think
that her current life would be boring if she weren’t running around after kids (especially
when she is a college student and has plenty of studying to keep her occupied)?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I guess I don't get it. </span>I know I sometimes use my time frivolously on
<a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2012/07/grocery-shopping-cf-style.html" target="_blank">lazy grocery shopping trips</a> or on watching TV, and other times I am productive through volunteerism or work
around the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either way, I have no
difficulty finding something interesting -- and, more often than not,
constructive -- to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I frequently
find myself running out of time to do all the things I would fancy doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As such, it makes me wonder if some people simply
lacked imagination pre-parenthood, as if they did not know what to do with
themselves so they created another person who would dictate their daily
activities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To each her own, I suppose,
but I prefer to be more proactive with my life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On a bit of a tangent, it also reminds me of something an
adult told me when I was an adolescent: “An intelligent mind is never bored.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And let’s face it… when we say we’re bored,
don’t we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i> mean that we don’t
feel like doing any of the things we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">could</i>
or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">should</i> be doing at the time, like
cleaning the rain gutters?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I have been
guilty of that!)</div>
I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-23940652859722913962012-08-10T09:46:00.000-04:002012-08-10T09:46:17.029-04:00My Sterilization Story<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
There has been a bit of a hubbub about women’s (and
sometimes men’s) <a href="http://blisstree.com/live/i-went-through-hell-to-get-my-tubes-tied-131/" target="_blank">requests for sterilization to be granted</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Slate has run a series of articles on
childfreedom during which <a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2012/06/13/choosing_to_be_child_free_tubes_tied_at_26.html" target="_blank">the topic emerged</a>,
and it has <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2175482/Married-womans-year-struggle-convince-doctors-allow-surgical-sterilization.html" target="_blank">also made</a> this month’s issue of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Vogue</i>.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In turn, this seems to have prompted some
of the bloggers I follow (and now me) to keep the discussion flowing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time I discovered the word “childfree” and found out
that there was an entire online community of people seeking relief from the
baby-rabies surrounding them, I had already been sterile for a few years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My experience – both the decision and the
execution – was so <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">easy</i> that it never
occurred to me that other women would have to fight to be sterilized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I consider my situation, I realize I had
several factors going for me (plus a little bit of luck that my small-town
doctor was supportive), and I hope that sharing those might assist anyone
reading this who is considering a procedure.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Time (and maturity) was
on my side.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my early twenties, I
brought up sterilization to my first gynecologist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the time, this woman had known me for only
about half an hour, and she could see a lack of confidence in my demeanor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was very frank that my hesitancy, my age,
and her lack of knowing me well made this a non-discussion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not ready to put up a fight, and I
really did not mind waiting.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the meantime, I heard people saying things like, “By the
time you are 30*, you know for sure,” and, “Once your friends start having
kids, you will want them too.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I
reached 30, I had observed enough close friends having children to make me even
more certain that it wasn’t for me, and I’d had about 15 years to reflect on
why I did not want children and what I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">did</i>
want for my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I now had a confidence
and an ability to articulate myself that a reasonable doctor could not ignore.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">*That “magic number” 30 also pops up in some research about
which <a href="http://laviechildfree.com/2012/08/on-sterilization-future-regret/" target="_blank">Laura Carroll blogged</a>;
in one study, about 20% of women who were sterilized before the age of 30 later
regretted the decision, whereas only about 5% of women 30+ expressed regret.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I had “done my
homework” and had a plan.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I finally
broached the subject with my nurse practitioner, I was able to explain to her
in less than 3 minutes why I should be sterilized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained that I always knew I didn’t want
to bear children and played the “30” card so that she knew this decision had
been carefully considered for years and that I had been willing to wait for as
long as conventional wisdom demanded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
also shared, with passion and conviction, my <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2011/05/so-am-i-really-childfree-anyway.html" target="_blank">commitment to adoption</a>
should I ever decide that I wanted to add another person to my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She listened intently and agreed that whenever
I was ready, she would have her office refer me to an M.D. who could perform
the surgery.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I anticipated the
doctor’s questions and reactions.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I met with the M.D., I was again able to tell the story I had
shared with my nurse practitioner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
sure it also did not hurt that I could tell the M.D. about my advanced degrees,
my career, and my marriage too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know
that some people do not appreciate doctors grilling sterilization candidates,
but given that this woman had only just met me, it seemed perfectly reasonable
that she would want to hear my story – and my ability to anticipate her concerns
and articulate my story meant that she had relatively few questions for
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, I felt that she did a great
deal of listening. At one point she said, “I wish your husband were here so
that I could talk to him too.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
response?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’ll bring him in from the
waiting room!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know this is also
anathema to many who feel like the doctor is asking them to obtain their
husband’s permission, but I had anticipated that the doctor might be interested
in our family dynamic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, she had
only just met me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see it as
responsible of her to be sure that I was doing this without pressure and that
my husband knew the risks to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
fact, one of the reasons she stated had to do with risk – she would prefer to
know that he was at least willing to have a less-invasive vasectomy (this was
when Essure was in its infancy and thus not an option in my little town).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, I jumped in to make it clear that this was about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If, God forbid, anything ever happened to my husband or, God forbid, I
were raped, I wanted to be sure <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I </i>was
taken care of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though I did not bring
this up to the doctor, I was also influenced by the pressure one of my
relatives had faced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her now-ex-husband
had a vasectomy when they finished having children, so she was left unprotected
in a sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she remarried, her
childless husband started pushing her to have a baby with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, she had clearly already left that
stage of her life behind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her children
were older, and she did not want to start over with a baby, especially at her
age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Needless to say, things did not end
well (though on a positive note, no new lives were destroyed in that
tug-of-war).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lastly, I was able to anticipate a time frame that worked
for all of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was uncertain how long
it might take to schedule a surgery, so I purposely arranged for a consultation
in the spring with the intention of surgery in the summer when I would be off
work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the M.D. agreed to the
surgery, she added, “I want to give you three more months to think about it, so
we’ll schedule the surgery for summer.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
replied, “Perfect!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Waiting periods may
raise the hackles of sterilization advocates, but because I had already built
that into my plan, I still felt a sense of… I guess… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">control</i>, that this was exactly what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I wanted</i> and I was not just at the whim of the medical
establishment or whatever.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I am very healthy.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Speaking of risk, I had no health factors
that might dissuade the doctor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
made the surgery smooth and successful, and it assisted in a relatively easy
recovery.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only compelling argument I have heard against sterilization
is that with the wealth of options available, some of which (i.e., IUD) are
more effective than tubal ligation, people should be more resistant to take
permanent and potentially dangerous measures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, my belief is that it is still up to the patient to decide what
risks are most acceptable to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
doctor informs; the patient chooses based on that information.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Seven years and counting, and I still celebrate my sterility
every day!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please feel free to share your experiences in the comments
or to offer advice to anyone considering a permanent procedure.</div>I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-5101374085494491512012-08-01T10:59:00.003-04:002012-08-01T12:50:03.674-04:00On Non-Parents Day, Whom Do You Appreciate?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shortly after Mother’s Day, <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2012/05/childfree-confessions-11-leave-me-out.html" target="_blank">I wrote</a>
that while some childfree folk wish to be acknowledged on that day (or on their
own special day) for their caretaking or mentoring roles, I would prefer to
remain invisible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I seek no day to make
a fuss over whether or not I am a mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In my own perfect world, I would love for all people to be celebrated
for their accomplishments and contributions, with no concern about their
reproductive status.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, as
we live in an imperfect world where people are still judged harshly for not replicating,
a day may be warranted when we recognize those who did not need to procreate in
order to make a positive impact on others.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On August 1, 1973, the National Organization for Non-Parents
declared a <a href="http://laviechildfree.com/2011/08/flashback-non-parents-day-in-1973/" target="_blank">“Non-Parents Day”</a>
to do just that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In recognition of Non-Parents
Day, I would like to take a moment to honor one of my first non-parent role
models: my high school theology teacher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She may have been given a “pass” because she was - and still is -
unmarried (though it would not surprise me if she were subjected to marriage
bingoes over the years), but I find that her lifestyle made her a strong,
positive role model for young women especially.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She was amazing in her own right, not needing a man or a child to make
her complete, fulfilled, or accomplished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>An excellent and knowledgeable teacher, she held us to high standards in
the classroom and took on additional roles on campus to support us outside the
classroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was able to finish a
doctoral degree while teaching full-time, and I remember the excitement of us
students at being able to call her “Doctor” instead of “Miss” (“miss” always
seemed like such a silly title for someone of her age and experience).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She continued teaching for several years
after I graduated before heading to the mission field, where she may still
be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have somewhat lost track of her;
she may be approaching retirement now, but I have a hard time imagining someone
like her retiring!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Which non-parent in your life has earned your respect or
made a positive impact on you?</div>I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-41601017680891990022012-07-16T20:15:00.000-04:002012-07-16T20:15:26.950-04:00Grocery Shopping, CF-Style<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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During a discussion with some mom-friends, the topic of
grocery shopping arose and I described what inefficient grocery-shoppers DH and
I are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The gals paused, looked at each
other, and nearly simultaneously blurted out laughingly, “You don’t have kids!”</div>
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Though I have frequently observed harried mothers plodding
through the store as their children whined and fidgeted (while I wondered,
“Where are these kids’ fathers to do the shopping or arrange for mom to shop in
peace?!”), it was not until this conversation that I fully realized the luxury
of being able to waste as much time as I please at the grocery store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I began feeling a little smug about
how much I enjoy my CF-style grocery shopping with DH… leisurely stopping by
the sushi counter for a sample, wandering through the exotic cheeses, dropping
everything at 11pm to venture to the store because we suddenly really want to
make ice cream sundaes, making trips three times a week because we are terrible
at planning ahead (plus, the fresh produce, milk, etc. only keep for so long).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bonus: no pressure to buy chicken nuggets or
juice boxes.</div>
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It was certainly something that never entered my mind when I
decided not to have children, but it’s a nice perk and apparently not to be
taken for granted!</div>I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-3460764407725101542012-06-29T11:36:00.002-04:002012-06-29T11:36:51.016-04:00Hope<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Often, but especially over the past few days, I have felt
the weight of the world on my shoulders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It tends to be not because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my</i>
life is bad – indeed, I feel I have been blessed beyond measure – but the
turmoil and <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/search/label/suffering%20world" target="_blank">suffering of the world</a> around me <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2009/08/its-not-about-me-me-me.html" target="_blank">weighs heavily</a> upon me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes it is guilt that I am
flitting about my comfortable life while others do not have that luxury (not
that I don’t have problems, but they often seem so small in the face of issues
like famine, unemployment, terminal illnesses, etc.), sometimes it is plain and
simple empathy, or sometimes it is a feeling of helplessness that nothing I can
do will make a dent in the strife… it’s just a drop of freshwater in the ocean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And certainly there is the frightening
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As my heart ached, I considered
that I cannot possibly be the only one despairing over these things, and I
wondered how I might share some comfort with anyone else who feels the way I
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Certainly, we childfree can take some
comfort in the fact that we are not forcing another person into such an
existence (“<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">better…is he who has not
yet been and has not seen the evil deeds that are done under the sun.”</span> Ecc.
4:3). But beyond that, we are offered a little hope for ourselves – not that
things will get better here, but that there is something more powerful than this
world: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“In the world you will have
tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)</div>
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Take heart.</div>I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-39434459269825889122012-06-21T10:45:00.000-04:002012-06-21T10:45:29.536-04:00Peace and Quiet<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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As an introvert, I have a natural bias toward peace and quiet, unlike some of my friends who thrive in loud, chaotic households. In fact, my ability to maintain a quiet home is something I consider a fringe benefit of being childfree -- and reinforcement for why I would not and should not change my mind.</div>
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So, reading Ecclesiastes 4:6 tickled me as I considered how perfectly it reflected my view of family life: “Better is a handful of quietness than two hands
full of toil and a striving after wind.” Kids certainly seem like two hands full of toil to me!</div>I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-9874997166122440112012-05-21T10:56:00.000-04:002012-05-21T10:56:37.878-04:00Childfree Confessions, #11 – Leave me out, please.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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In the time surrounding Mother’s Day, I witnessed a variety
of responses in the childfree world online.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some childfree felt resentful or hurt that there is a day to honor
mothers but no comparable day for the rest of us; some rejected the day
altogether as crass commercialization, a sentiment that is undoubtedly not unique
to the childfree; but some planned to celebrate as “mothers” of animals; others
rejoiced in being appreciated as a “mothering” or nurturing figure (a doting
auntie, a mentor, a teacher, etc.) and receiving cards, flowers, and such.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I suppose that some of the hurt feelings or the desire for
inclusion is a reaction to our mother-worshipping culture (which seems like a
bit of a contradiction to me, because all of the sexist stereotypes about
mothers indicate that our culture also hates women for being mothers… I’m going
to have to cogitate on that for a future post).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mother’s Day is just one more day to tell us, the childfree and the
childless, that you are nothing if you aren’t a mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t matter.</div>
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<br /></div>
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As far as I am concerned, though, I want none of it for
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I celebrate Mother’s Day because
I have a mother, I love her, and it pleases me to shower her with gifts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that sense, I feel no exclusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Further, aside from the tiresome cultural
assertions that motherhood is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the ideal </i>for
all women, I don’t begrudge anyone a day to recognize the responsibilities she
has taken on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, it is much like
Administrative Professionals’ Day or Veteran’s Day – no one will ever celebrate
me on those days, and I am OK with that.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The more I think about it, the more I would <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">like</i> to be invisible on Mother’s
Day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I personally would find it a little
insulting if someone gave me a Mother’s Day card “from the cat.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My relationship with my animals is not one
bit parental, nor do I think of them as children or child-substitutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And while I would like to be seen as a kind,
considerate, and reliable person, pragmatic yet compassionate, I would actually
rather <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> have the reputation for
being motherly or nurturing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been
bad enough to deflect the stereotypes that come with <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/08/love-being-married-hate-being-mrs.html" target="_blank">being a wife</a>;
I cannot bear the thought of being even remotely associated with anything
related to motherhood. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On Mother’s Day,
see me as the daughter acknowledging her mother, nothing more. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am fine doing without the sappy cards,
cheesy TV ads, and troubling stereotypes.</div>I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-49674272587959414052012-04-27T22:05:00.000-04:002012-04-27T22:05:55.807-04:00Pondering “Gifts from God”I’ve heard it from sappy people gushing over someone’s impending motherhood, and I’ve heard it as a <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2009/06/bingo-or-doesnt-anyone-have-original.html" target="_blank">bingo</a>, so I have been pondering, “What point are people trying to make when they yammer on about babies being a gift from God? What <i>is</i> a gift from God anyway? And how do you know?”<br />
<br />
Actually, most of this thought process has nothing to do with children but more to do with my search for objective reality, my desire to understand the nature of God, and my attempt to make sense of the spiritual and physical world. I often wonder, what is a blessing? What makes something a gift? What is the will of God? When X happened in my life, was that divine intervention or mere coincidence? Undoubtedly, some of these questions are unanswerable, at least in this life. And sometimes I wonder, does the objective answer even matter? Is there a meaningful difference between God doing something and me attributing significance to that something?<br />
<br />
I think, for example, about the word “holy.” In some contexts, that word means “set apart” for a spiritual purpose. That is, something is not holy because it is inherently good or godly but because we have imbued it with some special significance. I have come to believe that some of what we call “spiritual gifts” are an example of this. Suppose, for example, that I have the spiritual gift of compassion. Would I not have that gift regardless of my religious persuasion? Do not many non-Christians have a talent for compassion? As I explored the idea that most of these gifts are the natural talents that we share with non-Christians, I wondered what exactly made them “spiritual” gifts. The only conclusion I could draw was that <i>we</i> (i.e., Christians) attributed this significance to our talents; we chose to see them as such and to devote the use of those talents to God’s work. I suppose those talents might be enhanced by the Holy Spirit, but still it was a choice to interpret them as gifts from God and to treat them as such -- that is, to see them any differently from the talents God gives to all people of all faiths. (I’m sure plenty of other people have struggled with these questions, but having rarely encountered people who like to philosophize about such things, these thoughts are all very new to me. Others probably now think I am a heretic.)<br />
<br />
What about other things that we might consider blessings/gifts? I have always considered my good health to be a blessing/gift… precisely because it is <i>good</i>. Of course, this led me to other questions -- are all blessings good? Are all good things blessings? (Is the stability I have with my job a blessing because of its security, or is this good thing not a blessing because of the boredom and discontent it causes me?) If I consider something bad, does that mean it cannot be a blessing/gift? (Just because my mental health is not as good as my physical health, does that mean my mental challenges are not a gift?)<br />
<br />
In an attempt to understand gifts, I began considering analogies. Imagine you tell a friend that your workplace is chilly and you could really use a nice sweater to wear at the office. A few days later, a sweater shows up on your doorstep. It may be a wonderful sweater, your favorite color and a flattering fit. Or, perhaps your wise friend knows that the bright yellow sweater you would prefer is not the best choice for your office environment, and she gives you a practical, professional, and versatile sweater that you don’t much like. You perceive one gift as good and the other as bad, but all the same, they are both gifts.<br />
<br />
Or suppose you thank your friend for the sweater and gratefully wear it to work, but in reality a passerby found it on the sidewalk, assumed it was yours, and left it at your door. It wasn’t a gift after all, just a coincidence. Your belief that it was a gift might affect your attitude toward it but does not make it a gift.<br />
<br />
What if you did not want or need a sweater at all? I would surmise that a friend who knows you well enough would not give you a sweater (good or bad) that you did not want… and a coincidental sweater would still be a coincidental sweater.<br />
<br />
Going back to the cliché that prompted this post -- this insistence that babies are a gift from God -- I would have to say I don’t know. They could be like the good sweater, the bad sweater, or the coincidental sweater. Someone who wants a baby has reason to see it as a gift, whether it was truly a gift or whether the parent imbues the baby with that status. For others, a baby could be nothing more than a biological result (just as exercise produces sweat) or the consequence of careless or unwise decisions (just as one could get a blister from wearing ill-fitting shoes). For me, it would be the ultimate curse.<br />
<br />
Regardless of whether or not it <i>is</i> a gift, not all gifts are meant for all people. This goes for <a href="http://www.esvbible.org/search/I+corinthians+12%3A29-30/" target="_blank">spiritual gifts</a> as well as physical gifts like <a href="http://www.esvbible.org/search/Ecclesiastes%205%3A19/" target="_blank">wealth</a> or <a href="http://www.esvbible.org/search/Ecclesiastes%203%3A13/" target="_blank">enjoyment of our jobs</a>. Not all of us want or value the same gifts (I don’t wish for the gift of evangelism, nor do I desire great wealth), and I can’t help but think that God knows this -- that God <i>made us that way</i> and that God will give to us accordingly. At least, that is what Christ said: “Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:9-11)I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-68057143823363965722012-02-25T11:29:00.000-05:002012-02-25T11:29:22.123-05:00Overwhelmed by “Stuff”I recently returned from a long trip, and while I was on the road, one of the things that struck me was how little we <i>really</i> need. I tend to pack lightly anyway -- ever since backpacking abroad years ago and realizing that I would have to spend hours carrying everything that I was traveling with -- so I have had many opportunities over the years to prioritize what I cannot live without, at least in the short term. And I have lost count of the number of time in my daily life when I have thought, “What if I just got rid of 90% of what I own?!” I have made a more concerted effort not to buy things (knick-knacks, home decor, souvenirs, etc.) unless I have a specific purpose for them (though I do have a weakness for art), and I have all but begged friends and family to stop buying me “stuff” for Christmas but instead make donations to charity.<br />
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Despite this, I still feel buried in “stuff.” My pleas for charitable donations have been acknowledged only halfheartedly as well-meaning individuals make a donation <i>in addition to</i> presenting me with more stuff. How many more trinket boxes, books, picture frames, and Christmas ornaments does a person need? I become my own worst enemy as I try to figure out what to do with the new stuff… give this unneeded set of potholders to a thrift store after Aunt Sophie spent her hard-earned money on them? Keep them, and give away my old potholders that I actually like much better? Or worse, when the old potholders are usable but ratty and the charity probably does not want them -- let them rot in a landfill for eternity? General sentimental attachments and packrat tendencies (I might need / find a use for this later!) don’t help me either. Also not helpful is the fact that I don’t need to clear things out for the space, don’t need to sell the stuff for the money, and am not moving in the near future. No pressing incentive to downsize.<br />
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So when I returned home from my trip and had to unpack, putting away all of my own stuff as well as finding places for the things people gave me along the way, I wondered again what it would be like to just get rid of it all. Unload the “stuff,” sell the house, buy an RV (inspired by all of the RV living I observed on my road trip), and live on the open road with the bare minimum of what we need. In reality, that is probably too drastic a move for me to make suddenly, but maybe I could ease myself into that kind of life over time. Now where to start?<br />
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[As a side note, this further reinforces how much it would drive me crazy to have children. They come with far too many accessories!]I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-66895635787137910822012-01-22T12:57:00.000-05:002012-01-22T12:57:54.169-05:00Unnatural? Does it matter?A recent <a href="http://lauracarroll.com/2012/01/accepting-childfree-choice/#more-8731">blog post by Laura Carroll</a> has generated quite a number of comments from her readers and from the Catholic blogger Laura quoted. Though many commenters expressed disagreement with each other, I found the overall tone of the discourse to be respectful, and I credit Laura for setting that tone in her blog. Indeed, Laura and I have differing views on truth and Christianity, yet <a href="http://lauracarroll.com/2010/07/insights-on-being-childfree-and-christian/">she has been supportive</a> of the Childfree Christian blog, and I appreciate that. But I digress!<br />
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What inspired me today was one of the statements from commenter Annie, that “there are certain things that are objectively unnatural and the child-free choice is one of them.” I think many of us tend to use “unnatural” as a criticism of something we don’t like; I probably uttered something similar when I heard the story of a woman who wanted extensive cosmetic surgery in order to look like a cat. However, I have been asking myself more and more lately, <i>Is unnatural <b>necessarily</b> bad? Does nature always know best? Is God not the author of the diversity we see in nature, allowing for tremendous aberrations from “normal”? Does not God allow us to follow differing paths as we look to God for guidance (<a href="http://www.esvbible.org/search/Proverbs%203%3A6/">Proverbs 3:6</a>)?</i><br />
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Consider our acceptance of the unnatural when it suits us. I have written before about being <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/10/is-being-childfree-like-being-left.html">left-handed</a>, something that could be considered unnatural given the small percentage of the population who favor their left-hand. However, even though lefties are <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/11/is-being-childfree-like-being-left.html">capable of choosing to adapt</a> to right-handedness, these days we are seldom forced to do so. We are generally allowed to continue in our left-handed ways, despite some risks in remaining left-handed.<br />
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A person with a (naturally) large nose opts for cosmetic surgery. Someone who has difficulty with weight and limiting their eating chooses a gastric bypass. Doctors administer unnatural pain relief to women giving birth. Humans of all kinds accept unnatural treatments (chemotherapy, being cut open and sewn up, artificial hearts and joints, organ donations, being hooked up to machines to perform basic bodily functions, highly technologically advanced procedures that merge biology and machine, etc.) to artificially extend life or to make life more comfortable. There is little moral outrage over these “unnatural” choices.<br />
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There are plenty of other human attempts to thwart nature for our convenience: animal breeders artificially inseminating animals to produce a “better” food supply, pet owners sterilizing their cats and dogs, farmers using unnatural herbicides and pesticides to ensure more bountiful crops, people undergoing fertility treatments, travelers flying in airplanes. Does the unnaturalness of these activities make them immoral, or even odd? Or does unnatural become OK when “everybody else is doing it”?<br />
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I understand that some of the examples above do not involve choice in the same way that not having children involves choice, but I think the principle of assigning value to natural versus unnatural still fits. As a Christian, of course, my standard for determining good and bad is the Bible, and I have written <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2011/05/reader-asks-for-help.html">several posts</a> describing why I believe childfreedom is, at the very least, not wrong from a biblical perspective. And so even if a lack of desire to reproduce or a choice not to reproduce <i>can</i> be classified as unnatural, so what?<br />
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<i>As a bit of a post-script, I feel that some of my ideas in this post could use some refinement or more organization, but I have other pressing responsibilities to attend to right now. I encourage any comments that might give me a chance to clarify or improve my thinking!</i>I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-78538655783788608982011-12-18T11:25:00.000-05:002012-05-01T12:54:37.382-04:00Childfree Confessions, #10 - Every Day It’s a ReliefI have written before about how my “decision” to be childfree was more of a <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/07/insights-on-being-childfree-and.html">realization</a> or an epiphany that occurred when <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2009/06/clear-path-to-follow.html">I was a teen</a>. As I described this the other day to a friend, I used the word <i>relief</i>. As in, when I realized that I did not <i>have</i> to have children, it was a huge relief to me.<br />
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With that description fresh in my mind, I noticed that every day I breathe a sigh of relief that I don’t have children. When I watch people drag their children around a store (or restaurant or art gallery or movie, etc.), I feel relieved. When someone’s child won’t stop [insert annoying behavior or noise], DH will smile at me and say, “Thank you for not wanting one of those!” When I’m exhausted or ill, I can’t help but be grateful that I am able to get the rest and recovery my body needs.<br />
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But it is not just during the bad times that I feel this way. As DH and I lounge on the couch holding hands and watching Star Trek… as I frolic through a zoo… as I spend a quiet evening alone at home listening to music… climb a mountain, walk the steps of the Acropolis, straddle the Prime Meridian, sit around the Christmas tree sipping eggnog, savor paninis at a café – in all of these wonderful moments, I still hear it ringing in the back of my mind, “I’m so glad I don’t have children.”<br />
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I acknowledge there are many people out there who enjoy spending time with kids and cannot imagine their lives without them (hey, I feel the same way about animals!). I am happy for them. I’m just relieved that I realized early enough in life that I would not be one of them, and I was able to make decisions accordingly.I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-24771202434628661952011-11-22T07:50:00.000-05:002011-11-22T07:50:38.016-05:00Some Thoughts on the Nature of GodAlthough I believe in the Bible as God’s way of trying to reveal God and a spiritual realm to us, I am forced to acknowledge that anyone as magnificent as an omniscient, omnipresent, eternal God who is not constrained to this physical realm would <i>necessarily</i> have to “dumb down” the revelation of a higher reality when confining that revelation to human language in terms that limited, mortal beings could possibly understand.<br />
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Our minds are small. Physicists believe that we live in about 10 dimensions, maybe more (don’t ask me to explain it, but the math works out with the theory and with the physical observations scientists have recorded only if you allow for at least 10 dimensions); and yet we humans really only perceive three dimensions (length, width, height), four if you count time. When I talk about 5-dimensional vector spaces with my students, I usually joke, “…but don’t ask me to draw that in the 5th dimension!” Imagine a God who experiences and understands all possible dimensions, a God who is not locked into linear time as we know it. How could this God describe reality to us in a way we would understand? How would you, as a three-dimensional being, describe a sphere to an entity living on a flat plane who had only ever encountered a circle – and only ever experienced that circle by circumnavigating it, unable to look down on it from above?<br />
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Our language is flawed. Some languages are more descriptive or have more nuance than others, allowing people to use words to describe difficult concepts with the utmost accuracy. Consider one of the well-known limitations of English when parts of the Bible were translated from Greek: <i>agape, eros, and philia</i>, three distinct types of love, had no other translation into English than the less-descriptive word “love.” Yet in any language, there is still a possibility of misinterpretation and misunderstanding, no matter how clear the speaker is able to be. I encounter this frequently with my students. They read my simple and carefully worded instructions on a task, and someone will ask me, “Do you mean for us to do X?” I will realize, “No, that thought never entered my mind, but I understand how you might construe the instructions that way!”<br />
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And so we attempt to understand God, the spiritual realm, salvation, heaven, etc., in terms that humans can comprehend, using words that pale in comparison to what we are describing. Thus the Bible is full of analogy and metaphor, God as father (or mother, <a href="http://www.esvbible.org/search/Isaiah+66%3A13/">Isaiah 66:13</a>), the kingdom of God is like a mustard seed (<a href="http://www.esvbible.org/search/Mark+4%3A30-31/">Mark 4:31</a>), “I am the vine and you are the branches” (<a href="http://www.esvbible.org/search/John+15%3A5/">John 15:5</a>), and so on. I think a problem arises when we humans begin taking these things too concretely, making God out to be a physical being with exclusively masculine (or feminine) traits, believing in pop culture interpretations such as a devil with horns and a pitchfork, or oversimplifying the concepts of heaven and hell. The ever-perceptive <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Card/e/B001IXRQXW/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1">Michael Card</a> sang, “We’ve made you in our image, so our faith is idolatry.”<br />
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Christ often spoke in parables to help seekers understand spiritual truths (and apparently to hide the truth from those whose hearts were hardened to hearing the truth, <a href="http://www.esvbible.org/search/Matthew+13/">Matthew 13</a>). For those willing to look deeper and make the connections, parables can be a valuable tool. In my own broken way, I have begun creating parables for myself lately to help me understand what God might be like and why God might operate in certain ways -- is God like a teacher, is God like a farmer, is God like a person repairing a house? In future posts, I would like to share some of these (this post is getting long enough already). In no way can I claim that my “parables” illuminate The Truth, but I can say that my ponderings expand my mind, opening me to greater possibilities of who God could be. They help me attempt to make sense of things I will never truly understand in this life.<br />
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For now, I’ll leave us with the humbling thought that it is arrogant for any of us to think we have all of the answers, given the limitations of mortal thoughts and words. Perhaps if we exercised a little more humility, we could be more effective for Christ?I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-34057408613580427532011-10-13T08:47:00.000-04:002011-10-13T08:47:44.069-04:00Losing Another Friend?So, not too long ago I wrote about my unhappiness surrounding <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2011/08/im-going-to-be-aunt-and-im-not-happy.html">becoming an aunt</a>. Though I talked about my fear of losing my dear brother as one of my closest friends, what I did not mention at the time is my fear of losing my sister-in-law too.<br />
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From the first time I met her, I loved her. She was someone I was thrilled to welcome into our family, a good companion for my brother, an instant friend to me -- and I don't make friends easily. Pretty much anything I said about my brother in that last post, I could say something similar in reference to her.<br />
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But now the facebook drama has begun... pictures of distended belly, unwanted updates about bodily functions or pregnancy side effects, attention-whoring photos and comments (although, yes, I realize that facebook is all about attention-whoring for all people in all areas of life!). For each offending story, I click "hide." Unfortunately, until I look at the image in front of me or read at least part of the update, I won't know if it needs to be hidden. By the time I view it, I cannot wash it out of my brain. I don't want to have to hide <i>everything</i> she posts; I don't want to lose her completely. But I wonder how long it will be, how much more I will have to stomach, before I feel compelled to cut her off.<br />
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It's not that that I want to dump her as a friend just because she is having a child, and it's not that I won't be able to see her or speak to her anymore. But I worry that she will never again be that same interesting person I loved. Someone said to me, "You make it sound as if someone died." Well, in a sense, this does resemble the death of one personality and the emergence of a new person who could be just a disfigured shadow of what she had been before -- the kind of person I would not have befriended if I had first met her in this state. How can I not mourn that loss?I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-86859434609880684502011-09-25T09:21:00.001-04:002011-09-25T09:22:46.304-04:00Thought of the DayOn more than one occasion here I have lamented the difficulties of being the way I am while acknowledging that I must be true to myself, that I must follow my own path.<br />
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My verse-a-day calendar brought me an encouraging reminder from Paul: "But by the grace of God I am what I am." (I Cor. 15:10a) Though obviously Paul's context was different from my own, I believe the sentiment rings true for me too.I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-70403567237086321892011-08-30T08:03:00.000-04:002011-08-30T08:03:56.137-04:00A Summer Day in the (Childfree) LifeAs summer comes to a close, I reflect on the beautiful, lazy days and look forward to recapturing them next year.<br />
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For most of us, having a job does mean life can be a rat race. Plenty of times, I have rushed around all morning to get to work and then spent a 9-hour day at the office only to bring 3+ hours worth of projects home with me. However, in the summer on the days I’m not working…<br />
9:20am. I must have slept right through the noise of the garbage trucks this morning, because I don’t stir until about 8:45am. Bleary eyed and groggy, I need a little time to come out of my morning stupor. Lounge in bed for about half an hour as I continue to wake up.<br />
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9:30am. No place to be, so I’ll bum around the internet for a while. I enjoy some breakfast and coffee while I check e-mail and update facebook. Read the news, check the weather, see what’s up in the online childfree world, do a little blogging. Maybe I have time to research some upcoming purchases or new music or travel destinations. The cats take turns sleeping on my lap.<br />
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11:30am. Enough messing around. Time to exercise and then have a bite to eat.<br />
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1:00pm. Lawn needs to be mowed. I love working in the yard, so I take my time watering the flowers, pruning, weeding, and anything else I notice that requires attention.<br />
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3:30pm. Finally time to shower and fix myself up. Still no hurry to be anywhere, so I’ll dawdle through the process, stopping to take care of things around the house – unload the dishwasher, hang up my clothes that have been accumulating on the chair in the bedroom, balance the checkbook, whatever.<br />
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5:30pm. In anticipation of going to the drive-in tonight, we make a run to the grocery store to pick up some junk food.<br />
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6:15pm. My guy and I make dinner together and then eat a leisurely meal while watching some sci-fi and discussing the ethics of the prime directive (for you non sci-fiers out there, a prime directive is a code of non-interference with the development or practices of another culture -- i.e., another planet -- though it may go by a variety of names).<br />
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7:30pm. Head to the drive-in for a double feature. Popcorn – check. Candy – check. Drinks – check. Blanket – check. I wonder if I’ll stay awake through both movies?<br />
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2:00am. Finally home, and because I was able to sleep in this morning, I made it through both movies. Be that as it may, I’m eager to crawl into bed and listen to the quietness of the house.<br />
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I wouldn’t have my boring, quiet life any other way. (Wait – aren’t the childfree are supposed to be party animals? Or jet-setting in all of their free time?)I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-11878129138156879522011-08-07T11:24:00.002-04:002011-08-08T10:52:56.203-04:00I’m Going to Be an Aunt… and I’m Not HappySome years ago, one of my siblings expressed an interest in not having children. Based on the details of that conversation, I never categorized him as staunchly childfree, but perhaps more comfortably on the fence. He would have been quite happy to not have children, but becoming a parent would not be devastating either. Falling prey to carelessness, he is now going to be a father. And though I wish him happiness, I mourn the childfree community’s loss, and my loss.<br />
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My feelings on this are very complex, with tentacles that spread far and deep. I have spent (probably far too much) time reflecting on the extent of my sadness and why this should bring me to tears, and I believe I have come to a modicum of understanding of my heartbreak.<br />
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I acknowledge that many of my reasons are selfish. The rejoicing of my parents dredges up reminders of my family’s <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/07/true-confessions-8.html">disappointment in me</a>. I often think I have accepted, for example, my father’s wish that I, his firstborn, had been a son. Now that the son, the golden child, will give the family its only grandchild, I have a new and enduring reminder of why I am second-class.<br />
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I will be losing one of my dearest friends, at least for the next 12-18 years or so, and maybe for life. Every person I have known pre- and post-parenthood has become worse after becoming a parent. Perhaps I just know the wrong people, but I have only ever seen parenthood exacerbate people’s most negative qualities, or take otherwise kind and interesting people and push them further down the spectrum of selfish, entitled, single-minded, boring, obsessive, self-aggrandizing...<br />
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At the very least, I don’t like to be around children, not even relatives. I dread the thought of future family Christmases and reunions. We have had the most wonderful visits / holidays, vacations together, and so on. That will all be over. The quiet joy of meaningful conversation with people I love will be replaced with people being interrupted by and obsessing over a shrieking brat.<br />
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I wanted my brother to have what DH and I have. This one is a little sticky because, of course, for all of its benefits, it also entails the pain of being an <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2011/02/disadvantages-of-being-childfree.html">outsider and a disappointment</a> to others. Even still, I wished for him to have the <a href="http://www.livescience.com/3473-kids-curb-marital-satisfaction.html">best marriage possible</a>, <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/02/AR2006010201513_pf.html">less worry</a>, more general <a href="http://www.newsweek.com/2008/06/28/having-kids-makes-you-happy.html">happiness</a>, and freedom.<br />
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Or even, I wanted “more” for him -- more than just to follow the lifescript, more opportunity to grow his amazing accomplishments.<br />
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I’m also sad for the orphans. I realize I risk opening myself up for some snarky comment like “How many kids have you adopted?” or “Why don’t you adopt, then?” (uh, I’m not in the market to increase my family size), but I cannot help but find it devastating when someone chooses to create a new human being when millions upon millions of children out there are crying for homes.<br />
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And I’m sad for the child itself. The dangers and demands of my brother’s job are unfair to the child. The burden of the U.S. financial situation will fall even more heavily on the next generation. The world is in a tremendous state of unrest (as it always has been, I suppose). I still cannot fathom why anyone would rejoice in condemning a new life to this earth. "Again I saw all the oppressions that are done under the sun. And behold, the tears of the oppressed, and they had no one to comfort them! On the side of their oppressors there was power, and there was no one to comfort them. And I thought the dead who are already dead more fortunate than the living who are still alive. <i><b>But better than both is he who has not yet been and has not seen the evil deeds that are done under the sun</b></i>." (Ecclesiastes 4:1-3)<br />
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So I muster a half-smile and a nod when the family talks about the impending child, but all the while I’m crying on the inside.<br />
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(Flashback: <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/02/true-confessions-7.html">True Confessions about becoming an aunt</a>.) I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-35853400477288356252011-07-10T09:00:00.000-04:002011-07-10T09:00:56.556-04:00Swimming Against The Tide, Part IISo, in my last post I spent most of my time complaining about why I don’t fit in and how isolating it can be. I still feel it very keenly, but today I want to focus on hope.<br />
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Feeling like no one “gets you” can be difficult and painful, no doubt about it. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by it. My last post was written after <a href="http://netforbeginners.about.com/od/d/f/What-Is-DH.htm" style="color: #351c75;">DH</a> and I had spent a few days away from each other, and I was feeling lost. As much as I hate to be so reliant on another person (hey, my nickname has always been “Miss Independence,” and my tagline is, “I can do it myself!”), he is my greatest ally -- the one who makes me feel “normal,” the one who understands my opinions and preferences, the one who swims against the tide with me. When I am with him, I am different but I am safe and supported.<br />
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When I said in my last post that I felt that I don’t even belong on this planet, I realize that feeling is not new-to-the-world either. In Hebrews, Paul* described people of faith as being “strangers and foreigners on the earth” who “desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one” (Heb. 11:13-16 NRSV). Regardless of who we are or what characteristics we possess (or don’t), we believers are all aliens here. My hope is that someday we will find ourselves in a place where we do belong and that those elements that once isolated us will no longer matter.<br />
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In <i>Mere Christianity</i>, C.S. Lewis describes this in a way that moves me every time:<br />
<blockquote>Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that <b>I was made for another world</b>. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others to do the same.</blockquote><br />
I don’t fit in here, but that’s OK. I’m not meant to.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*I know there is some dispute about the authorship of the letter to the Hebrews. Here I am following the tradition I was taught in my theology classes.</span>I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-68481584337680349142011-07-07T10:20:00.000-04:002011-07-07T10:20:26.352-04:00Swimming Against The Tide, Part II know that a lot of childfree feel at least a small sense of alienation from the rest of the world because of our counter-culture decision not to breed. I have encountered many of us (myself included) whose unconventional attitudes extend beyond family to many other areas of life. In a few of my posts about <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2009/11/dont-say-i-didnt-warn-you.html">religion</a>, <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/08/love-being-married-hate-being-mrs.html">marriage</a>, and <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/10/is-being-childfree-like-being-left.html">left-handedness</a>, I have described or alluded to feelings of not fitting in. Recently, events have occurred in my life making me feel that not only do I not fit in with a certain group of people, but that I don’t even belong on this friggin’ planet.<br />
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While I will probably wait until some other time to blog about those specific events, right now I feel compelled to reflect on why these events hit me so hard and to share a small bit of camaraderie (ironically) with anyone else who feels as alien as I do.<br />
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Some of this is in my core personality. <a href="http://lauracarroll.com/2010/09/the-childfree-personality-are-we-more-introverted/">Laura Carroll</a> and <a href="http://childlessbychoiceproject.blogspot.com/2010/01/testing-personality-theory.html">others</a> have noticed anecdotally that many childfree are introverts. In the article “<a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201008/revenge-the-introvert">Revenge of the Introvert</a>,” we read that the style of an introvert is in contrast to “noisy” American culture. We are misunderstood by the extraverts who dominate the culture, sometimes accusing us of poor communications skills, of holding back ideas, or of social awkwardness / shyness. Worse for me, in many settings I actually <i>am</i> socially awkward. All of this makes it hard for me to connect with most people. (I highly recommend that introverts and extraverts alike read this article. For introverts, it might help you verbalize what you already know about yourself; for the extraverts, it might help you understand what goes on in the heads of us introverts. One warning though – unfortunately for me, it also dredged up some old hurts that I have suffered at the hands of extraverts.)<br />
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My belief system also plays a role in my isolation. While most of the country seems happy to put themselves in the box of a mainstream political party, of course I have to identify as a Libertarian, putting me at odds with both Democrats and Republicans. Indeed, shortly after President Obama took office, Libertarians were pretty much placed on a <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/03/23/fusion-centers-expand-criteria-identify-militia-members/">Homeland Security watch list as potential terrorists</a> (never mind that Libertarians tend to be pacifists…). I suppose it’s no wonder that a recent study found that <a href="http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2010/09/01/money-and-happiness-over-75k-doesnt-matter/">Libertarians tend to be more unhappy than Republicans and Democrats</a> (perhaps also because we are the ones whose eyes are wide open to government trampling on freedom under the guise of “being for the common/collective good” or “upholding America’s moral values”).<br />
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And when a patriotic holiday rolls around and I go to the house of God where I am asked to pledge my allegiance to the Republic, and everyone around me is all “yay America,” I wonder if I am the only one who has an issue with the “worship” of the U.S. government? (One of these days on this blog maybe we’ll have a chance to talk about separation of church and state. For now, I have to give a shout out to a Mennonite brother who does a beautiful job articulating his church’s stance on this: <a href="http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/26/my-faith-why-i-dont-sing-the-star-spangled-banner/">“Why I Don’t Sing the ‘Star Spangled Banner.’”</a>)<br />
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Even when I’m not trying to be different, I always end up doing my own thing, the opposite of what everyone else is doing. I don’t mean to be so contrary. I don’t want to be all alone. Of course, each of us is unique, and when I feel that I’m the <i>only</i> childfree-Christian-introvert-southpaw-Libertarian-X-Y-Z, someone else could easily say that she is the only Buddhist-Democrat-dermatologist-iguana owner-A-B-C. In that sense, I suppose we are all alone.<br />
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And though I like who I am and wouldn’t change a thing -- and I believe that God has sculpted me into the person I am -- I still cannot help but think that life would be so much easier, possibly even happier, if I were just like everyone else.I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-63830898684413873732011-06-23T10:26:00.000-04:002011-06-23T10:26:32.766-04:00Something That Could Change My MindI was enjoying an old episode of "Dr. Who" last night, an episode called <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Doctor%27s_Daughter">"The Doctor's Daughter."</a> In it, the Doctor lands on a foreign planet and is immediately apprehended by some humans who force his hand into a machine that takes a tissue sample. A moment later, a beautiful young woman looking to be about 16-20 years old steps out of a chamber of a "progenation machine"... the Doctor's daughter. She is intelligent, thoughtful, and friendly, with a winning smile. Though programmed with the knowledge and skills she needs to survive, she still has things to learn, and she spends the episode finding out what it means to be the daughter of the Doctor.<br />
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I looked at my husband and said, "Hmm. I would really strongly consider it if it could be just like that, that easy!"I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-84456051849008793322011-05-23T11:06:00.000-04:002011-05-23T11:06:53.615-04:00So, Am I Really “Childfree” Anyway?As I navigate the childfree community online, I have found a variety of definitions for being childfree. Some of them are extremely strict -- you cannot call yourself childfree if you have or are even <i>willing to have</i> stepchildren, godchildren, or foster children, or even if you would be willing to take in someone’s children (nieces/nephews, for example) in an emergency. And you must be committed to having an abortion if you were to get pregnant. Some definitions are looser -- stepchildren are OK and godchildren are fine, as long as you don’t actually <i>want</i> to be a parent. And others don’t seem to worry too much about the details; you haven’t borne a child and don’t want to? You’re childfree.<br />
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I have spoken several times on the blog about adoption and have occasionally described how I thought I would adopt an older child someday. I have also stated that it seems that God is not asking that of me, at least not right now.<br />
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But the reality is that I am open to it. I always have my heart wide open, ready if the right circumstances presented themselves. That seems to be the way God works with me; I think he knows that I can be a little distracted and oblivious, maybe thick-headed when I start to over-analyze things, so for the big stuff, he pretty much drops clear-cut opportunities right in my lap.<br />
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A friend told me a story of a woman who opened her home for a few months to a teenager from another country as a humanitarian gesture. During that time, she fell in love with this young person and decided to adopt him. Another friend of mine adopted her first child, a teen, when my friend was in her 50s. One of my favorite stories is that of a couple who mentored a young adult and <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/12/28/teen.adult.adoption/index.html">adopted him when he was in his mid-20s</a>! I could see any of these things happening to me and my husband.<br />
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And I think that one of the appeals of a relationship with a young adult is that I would much rather have a <i>mentoring</i> relationship with a young person than to be a <i>parent</i>. I have neither the stamina, nor the wisdom, nor the patience to be an authority figure or disciplinarian. In addition, when I see what parenthood has done to most of my friends & acquaintances, how most of them have changed for the worse with their sense of entitlement, their self-absorption, their myopia, their descent into traditional gender roles, etc., I don’t want to fall into those traps. I would be loath to have a young person refer to me as “mom.”<br />
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So I’m definitely pregnancy-free and baby-and-kid-free, but perhaps I should say I’m comfortably on the fence with respect to teen/young-adult adoption, accepting whichever way God would nudge me. And if I’m only ever nudged in the direction of mentoring, child sponsorship, and supporting the adoptions of others, that’s just fine with me.I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-73774716385587550592011-05-08T10:28:00.001-04:002011-05-08T13:22:14.265-04:00Mother’s DayI don’t have a problem taking a day out of the year for each of us to thank our mom. After all, I would guess that for a significant number of us out there, mom loved us when we were unlovable, and she tried her best to help us grow into decent people.<br />
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I know that some childfree people have a beef with this celebration, and I understand their reasons. Some feel it is society rubbing in that they are second-class citizens; some just want recognition for their contributions to the world; some feel left out. For me, rather than feeling left out when I saw people on facebook posting greetings to each other, I was flooded with relief. No one was going to equate me to my uterus with a “Happy 1st Mother’s Day, So-and-so!” In fact, I actually felt a little sorrow for some of these women -- interesting people who have done some pretty magnificent things, but now people treat them as if they are <i>only</i> a mother and nothing more. They <i>are</i> their reproductive ability. (This kind of treatment of women is similar to something I described in <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/08/love-being-married-hate-being-mrs.html">Love Being Married, Hate Being “Mrs.”</a> I suspect that even if I had children, I would want to keep a low profile on Mother’s Day.)<br />
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Actually, however, the toughest part about Mother’s Day for me is picking out a card for my mother. I love her, she loves me, and she has helped me through a few really tough times in my life, but she doesn’t fit the profile of the typical card oozing about how perfect, how great, how best-in-the-world she is. (I hate the sappy sentimentality of most greeting cards anyway, which is not unique to Mother’s Day.) There is no card that says, “Thanks for trying.”<br />
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Attributable in part to my mother’s upbringing, she was an impatient parent who was quick to grab a belt. I’m sure she would swear up and down that she wanted to be a mom, and I know she loves her kids, but from all appearances she did NOT enjoy being a mother (and probably should have been childfree; she would have made a wonderful aunt). As soon as I was old enough to watch my siblings, she left stay-at-home motherhood for a 70 hour/week job. I don’t know whether I should be relieved that she wasn’t home all day to scream at us, or remain bitter that I was saddled with raising the other kids. Ultimately, her other interests left little time for the rest of the family. We took family vacations without her; she never attended any of my sporting events; I think she made it to a few of my music events …but always arrived after I had performed.<br />
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That’s not to say that she did nothing good. I do have some fond memories of her looking after me when I was a child. Once she left our family, I was able to see a kinder, very nonjudgmental side of her; perhaps the stress of raising children is what had brought out the worst in her. And when I was an adult, my relationship with her improved significantly.<br />
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So on this Mother’s Day, I thank my mom for loving me, and I pause to reflect on how hard it must have been for her to raise me, given her family history and her temperament. She did the best she could with what she had.I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4793956811762673430.post-90171188677326849752011-05-03T22:57:00.000-04:002011-05-03T22:57:26.698-04:00A Reader Asks for HelpI received a message from a reader asking for help. Rather than have the message buried in the comments section of another post, I thought I would share my response here and invite other readers to weigh in on the dilemma.<br />
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“I need help please” wrote:<br />
<blockquote>I have been married for 3 years now and I have never wanted children. I am willing to have a child with my wife because she wants one but she just told me, 2 days ago, that she wants more than that. First, I cannot and will not have more than one if we do. Second, she wants me to want to have children, to want to be a father. Now she believes that if we separate for a few months and we go to counseling on our own that I will come back and want children with her. Its not that I don't want children with her, I don't want children at all. I have no desire to be a father. Am I selfish for this? Am I sinning?</blockquote><br />
I am humbled that you would seek my advice, though I am not sure that I am qualified to speak with any authority on your situation. If you do believe that I can offer any valuable insight, I would like to first direct you to some of my other posts on the topic of whether or not it is a sin to limit the number of children you have (including 0).<br />
<a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2009/06/is-childfree-christian-oxymoron.html">Is "Childfree Christian" an Oxymoron?</a><br />
<a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2009/06/rebellion-against-god.html">Rebellion Against God</a><br />
<a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2009/07/purpose-of-marriage.html">The Purpose of Marriage</a><br />
<a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/07/insights-on-being-childfree-and.html">Being Childfree and Christian Part I</a> and <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2010/07/insights-on-being-childfree-and_22.html">Part II</a><br />
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The short of it is that I can find no biblical evidence that not wanting or not having children is a sin. But as with all major decisions in life, we should consider where God is leading us.<br />
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I recall a story from a pastor whose daughter came to him in tears one day. “Dad,” she said, “I’m afraid that if I tell God I’m willing to go to the mission field, he’ll send me to Russia, and I don’t want to go to Russia!” The pastor wisely replied, “Sweetheart, if you open your heart to God, either he will <i>not</i> ask you to go to Russia, or he will ask you to and you <i>will want to go</i>.”<br />
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I have no idea whether or not God will ask you to become a father. But if he does, I believe he will give you the heart that you need. And if he is asking you <i>not</i> to become a father and you do anyway, the children may suffer for it. I have seen in my own extended family the agony caused by ambivalent parents.<br />
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Adults can suffer too. <a href="http://www.newsweek.com/2008/06/28/having-kids-makes-you-happy.html">Study</a> after <a href="http://www.livescience.com/3473-kids-curb-marital-satisfaction.html">study</a> has shown that marital satisfaction takes a serious hit when children come along - and many of these were wanted children!<br />
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Are you selfish? Of course, as we all are. But you are no more selfish than your wife is for trying to push you into having children that you don’t want to have. And, I see modern procreation as an immensely selfish act, one that usually is done with little to no regard for <a href="http://childfreechristian.blogspot.com/2011/04/whats-in-it-for-kid.html">what is in it for the child</a>. In contrast, the fact that you are willing to have a child in the first place tells me that you are the kind of person who is willing to make a selfless sacrifice for the sake of someone else’s happiness. That your wife would ask more of you makes me wonder whether she is willing to make any selfless concessions in return. Perhaps there is more to this than just the issue of children?<br />
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I wish you the best and hope that you can find the answers you are looking for.<br />
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Readers, what do you have to say?I.am.freehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438197637317848926noreply@blogger.com2