In the time surrounding Mother’s Day, I witnessed a variety
of responses in the childfree world online.
Some childfree felt resentful or hurt that there is a day to honor
mothers but no comparable day for the rest of us; some rejected the day
altogether as crass commercialization, a sentiment that is undoubtedly not unique
to the childfree; but some planned to celebrate as “mothers” of animals; others
rejoiced in being appreciated as a “mothering” or nurturing figure (a doting
auntie, a mentor, a teacher, etc.) and receiving cards, flowers, and such.
I suppose that some of the hurt feelings or the desire for
inclusion is a reaction to our mother-worshipping culture (which seems like a
bit of a contradiction to me, because all of the sexist stereotypes about
mothers indicate that our culture also hates women for being mothers… I’m going
to have to cogitate on that for a future post).
Mother’s Day is just one more day to tell us, the childfree and the
childless, that you are nothing if you aren’t a mother. You don’t matter.
As far as I am concerned, though, I want none of it for
myself. I celebrate Mother’s Day because
I have a mother, I love her, and it pleases me to shower her with gifts. In that sense, I feel no exclusion. Further, aside from the tiresome cultural
assertions that motherhood is the ideal for
all women, I don’t begrudge anyone a day to recognize the responsibilities she
has taken on. For me, it is much like
Administrative Professionals’ Day or Veteran’s Day – no one will ever celebrate
me on those days, and I am OK with that.
The more I think about it, the more I would like to be invisible on Mother’s
Day. I personally would find it a little
insulting if someone gave me a Mother’s Day card “from the cat.” My relationship with my animals is not one
bit parental, nor do I think of them as children or child-substitutes. And while I would like to be seen as a kind,
considerate, and reliable person, pragmatic yet compassionate, I would actually
rather not have the reputation for
being motherly or nurturing. It has been
bad enough to deflect the stereotypes that come with being a wife;
I cannot bear the thought of being even remotely associated with anything
related to motherhood. On Mother’s Day,
see me as the daughter acknowledging her mother, nothing more. I am fine doing without the sappy cards,
cheesy TV ads, and troubling stereotypes.
