There has been a bit of a hubbub about women’s (and
sometimes men’s) requests for sterilization to be granted. Slate has run a series of articles on
childfreedom during which the topic emerged,
and it has also made this month’s issue of Vogue.
In turn, this seems to have prompted some
of the bloggers I follow (and now me) to keep the discussion flowing.
By the time I discovered the word “childfree” and found out
that there was an entire online community of people seeking relief from the
baby-rabies surrounding them, I had already been sterile for a few years. My experience – both the decision and the
execution – was so easy that it never
occurred to me that other women would have to fight to be sterilized. As I consider my situation, I realize I had
several factors going for me (plus a little bit of luck that my small-town
doctor was supportive), and I hope that sharing those might assist anyone
reading this who is considering a procedure.
Time (and maturity) was
on my side. In my early twenties, I
brought up sterilization to my first gynecologist. At the time, this woman had known me for only
about half an hour, and she could see a lack of confidence in my demeanor. She was very frank that my hesitancy, my age,
and her lack of knowing me well made this a non-discussion. I was not ready to put up a fight, and I
really did not mind waiting.
In the meantime, I heard people saying things like, “By the
time you are 30*, you know for sure,” and, “Once your friends start having
kids, you will want them too.” When I
reached 30, I had observed enough close friends having children to make me even
more certain that it wasn’t for me, and I’d had about 15 years to reflect on
why I did not want children and what I did
want for my life. I now had a confidence
and an ability to articulate myself that a reasonable doctor could not ignore.
*That “magic number” 30 also pops up in some research about
which Laura Carroll blogged;
in one study, about 20% of women who were sterilized before the age of 30 later
regretted the decision, whereas only about 5% of women 30+ expressed regret.
I had “done my
homework” and had a plan. When I finally
broached the subject with my nurse practitioner, I was able to explain to her
in less than 3 minutes why I should be sterilized. I explained that I always knew I didn’t want
to bear children and played the “30” card so that she knew this decision had
been carefully considered for years and that I had been willing to wait for as
long as conventional wisdom demanded. I
also shared, with passion and conviction, my commitment to adoption
should I ever decide that I wanted to add another person to my family. She listened intently and agreed that whenever
I was ready, she would have her office refer me to an M.D. who could perform
the surgery.
I anticipated the
doctor’s questions and reactions.
When I met with the M.D., I was again able to tell the story I had
shared with my nurse practitioner. I am
sure it also did not hurt that I could tell the M.D. about my advanced degrees,
my career, and my marriage too. I know
that some people do not appreciate doctors grilling sterilization candidates,
but given that this woman had only just met me, it seemed perfectly reasonable
that she would want to hear my story – and my ability to anticipate her concerns
and articulate my story meant that she had relatively few questions for
me. Instead, I felt that she did a great
deal of listening. At one point she said, “I wish your husband were here so
that I could talk to him too.” My
response? “I’ll bring him in from the
waiting room!” I know this is also
anathema to many who feel like the doctor is asking them to obtain their
husband’s permission, but I had anticipated that the doctor might be interested
in our family dynamic. Again, she had
only just met me. I see it as
responsible of her to be sure that I was doing this without pressure and that
my husband knew the risks to me. In
fact, one of the reasons she stated had to do with risk – she would prefer to
know that he was at least willing to have a less-invasive vasectomy (this was
when Essure was in its infancy and thus not an option in my little town).
Of course, I jumped in to make it clear that this was about me.
If, God forbid, anything ever happened to my husband or, God forbid, I
were raped, I wanted to be sure I was
taken care of. Though I did not bring
this up to the doctor, I was also influenced by the pressure one of my
relatives had faced. Her now-ex-husband
had a vasectomy when they finished having children, so she was left unprotected
in a sense. When she remarried, her
childless husband started pushing her to have a baby with him. However, she had clearly already left that
stage of her life behind. Her children
were older, and she did not want to start over with a baby, especially at her
age. Needless to say, things did not end
well (though on a positive note, no new lives were destroyed in that
tug-of-war).
Lastly, I was able to anticipate a time frame that worked
for all of us. I was uncertain how long
it might take to schedule a surgery, so I purposely arranged for a consultation
in the spring with the intention of surgery in the summer when I would be off
work. When the M.D. agreed to the
surgery, she added, “I want to give you three more months to think about it, so
we’ll schedule the surgery for summer.” I
replied, “Perfect!” Waiting periods may
raise the hackles of sterilization advocates, but because I had already built
that into my plan, I still felt a sense of… I guess… control, that this was exactly what I wanted and I was not just at the whim of the medical
establishment or whatever.
I am very healthy. Speaking of risk, I had no health factors
that might dissuade the doctor. This
made the surgery smooth and successful, and it assisted in a relatively easy
recovery.
The only compelling argument I have heard against sterilization
is that with the wealth of options available, some of which (i.e., IUD) are
more effective than tubal ligation, people should be more resistant to take
permanent and potentially dangerous measures.
However, my belief is that it is still up to the patient to decide what
risks are most acceptable to her. The
doctor informs; the patient chooses based on that information.
Seven years and counting, and I still celebrate my sterility
every day!
Please feel free to share your experiences in the comments
or to offer advice to anyone considering a permanent procedure.
