Idolatry Revisited

I must admit that I’m not much of a reader, but on a recent airplane trip, I took the time to reread The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. It had been years since I first read the book, and I had forgotten how wonderful it was. In particular, there were certain passages that became more meaningful to me as a 35-year-old childfree person than they were when I was a 22-year-old childfree person, now that I have more experience with people’s idolization of their children and many women’s arrogance and obsession with their motherhood.

For anyone who has not read the book, the narrator of the story describes taking a bus ride from hell (or purgatory) to heaven. Upon arrival in heaven, he witnesses the response his fellow passengers have to the reality of heaven and observes their interactions with the friends and relatives who greet them. Many of these passengers are displeased with what they find and are unwilling to shed their earthly baggage for the joy of heaven. As I read these accounts, I kept thinking, “My gosh, I know this person,” or, “I could have been that other person.” But the one that Lewis nailed with the greatest poignancy for me was the mother, Pam. Pam was disappointed to be met by someone called Reginald rather than by her son Michael. As Pam crabbed to Reginald about wanting to see Michael, Reginald tried to explain to her how things worked in heaven and that she would see Michael in due time… but first she needed to seek God. Pam retorted, “You wouldn’t talk like that if you were a Mother.” I loved Reginald’s reply: “You mean, if I were only a mother. But there is no such thing as being only a mother. You exist as Michael’s mother only because you first exist as God’s creature. That relation is older and closer.”

When Pam continued to argue that she gave up everything to make her son happy, Reginald informed her, “Human beings can’t make one another really happy for long…[God] wanted your merely instinctive love for your child (tigresses share that, you know!) to turn into something better. He wanted you to love Michael as He understands love… But there was, it seems, no chance of that in your case. The instinct was uncontrolled and fierce and monomaniac.”

After a while, Pam grew increasingly frustrated and demanded to see her son because, “He is mine, do you understand? Mine, mine, mine, for ever and ever.” When Reginald protested that “nothing can be yours by nature,” Pam was incredulous. I think I may have actually witnessed the following interchange in real life:

“What? Not my own son, born out of my own body?”
“And where is your own body now? Didn’t you know that nature draws to an end?”
“Michael is mine.”
“How yours? You didn’t make him. Nature made him to grow in your body without your will. Even against your will…”

The narrator and his heavenly guide eventually move on from Pam and discuss love versus lust and how good love can go bad. The guide muses that there is something about feelings of love that can “make it easier to stop at the natural level and mistake it for the heavenly. Brass is mistaken for gold more easily than clay is.” He later concludes, “The false religion of lust is baser than the false religion of mother-love or patriotism or art: but lust is less likely to be made into a religion.”

I suppose I felt some level of comfort knowing that, so many years ago, Lewis must have encountered the same kind of obsessed and self-righteous women that I have encountered… that it isn’t just me… that this isn’t some new phenomenon. And I could not help but be amused at the continual clever rebuttals to what the obsessed mother had to say. Ever the thinker, Lewis has unexpectedly given me some ideas for replies the next time I’m bingoed.

Immense Gratitude

One aspect of my life for which I am immensely grateful is the knowledge and understanding I have had of myself, even as a child. This has allowed me great clarity in my major life choices, such as selecting a college, finding a mate, and choosing a career (much of which I described in an earlier post). But what has been impressed upon me most heavily lately is the blessing of being an “early articulator” of my childfree life.

As I participate in online discussion forums, read the blogs of others, and peruse articles and editorials throughout the web, my heart breaks for all of the people who have struggled with being childfree. From spouses who change their minds, to people who are still on the fence but worrying that time is running out, to people who have only recently realized they are childfree and now wonder how to tell their parents that they will never be grandparents… there seems to be plenty of pain to go around.

I am grateful that at about 15 years of age I didn’t know any better than to tell people I would never have children. It was just a fact of my life, no surprise to my parents, my husband, my friends, my other family members. I recall one of my aunts (who must have missed that memo) sitting me down a few years after I married and asking me when I was going to have children. I responded very matter-of-factly that I would not be, sort of in a “how-could-you-not-already-know-this?” kind of tone. Perhaps to satiate her, I did express my passion for adoption, and she was quite accepting of that. Really, I have received very little hassle from friends and family, and I credit my years of pointed, pragmatic childfree declarations for this. Mind you, I was never “in your face” about it, but when it came up, it was as nonconfrontational and logical as saying, “No, I will not be moving to Minnesota.”

I am also grateful that, because of my openness, my husband knew I was childfree even before we officially started dating, and he shared the same feelings. Further, when I was ready for a tubal ligation, he fully supported me. I can hardly express the relief I have, knowing that even if one of us did change our mind someday, it is too late. Neither of us can ever be forced to choose between having a baby or ending the marriage over it.

I am grateful for the confidence I had to be sterilized. Nearly five years later, I’m grateful again every day. I have no fear that I will ever regret it, and that surety, that peace, is a blessing. I wish there were a way I could bestow that clarity upon everyone else.

If I were to offer anyone else advice on this, I would encourage two things. First, speak freely and early about not having children, even if you are still unsure. Don’t wait and agonize until you feel you need to blindside someone with this. There is nothing wrong with saying, “I might not want to have children,” or, “I’m pretty certain I don’t want children,” or, “I know I don’t want children.” Of course some people will try to convince you otherwise; listen to them and learn from them, but also listen to the other side and listen to what you believe God is telling you. What’s important is that the discussion has begun, and you don’t need to keep this bottled up inside, worrying about what others might think.

Secondly, make a decision to live your life with no regrets. We all make mistakes, and we all attempt to make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. All of us will look back at our lives and wish that such-and-such had been done differently. But always remember, you did the best you could with the resources you had, and those decisions you made have shaped you into the person you are today. And if you look back on a choice and decide it was wrong, forgive yourself and allow yourself to learn from the experience. The fact that I am simply not a regretful kind of person is perhaps the main reason that I have had no fear of sterilization and of being childfree. Making careful, prayerful, informed decisions and standing by them can be very liberating. I wish the same for all of you.

Childfree Confessions, #7 (nieces/nephews)

I dread the day that either of my siblings has a child.

I consider my brother and sister to be two of my dearest friends, not necessarily because I am related to them but because they are genuinely wonderful and interesting people. Though my sister lives about 450 miles west of me and my brother lives about 450 miles east of me, we make the effort to see each other several times a year and keep up regularly through facebook.

My brother, unmarried and in his thirties, seems to be on the fence about children. At one point he told me that he thought he was now too old to become a father; but his girlfriend is in her late twenties, and she might have the power to convince him otherwise. My younger sister, on the other hand, has long talked about someday having a baby. She is willing to wait for the right man and the right time, but her desire for a child is strong.

Those of you who have read enough of my blog have picked up on the fact that I don’t particularly like children in general, although I would never harm them or wish any harm to come upon them. I cry for the orphans when anyone insists upon having “their own” child, I mourn the loss of relationships, I am saddened by the negative effect parenthood has had on most people I know, and I am disgusted by the idolatrous obsession people have with children. When I imagine either of my siblings having a child, these concerns and feelings become even more poignant, if not frightening. I wonder if I could bear the loss of the friendships we have, and I worry about whether or not I could bond with nieces and nephews.

Over the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons, I caught a glimpse of what could come. My brother adopted a puppy from a rescue organization, and this puppy is the cutest, sweetest, funniest little guy so full of personality. (Don’t even get me started on animals!) My mother, sister, brother, and brother’s girlfriend, and the puppy gathered at my home shortly before Thanksgiving. The puppy needed a great deal of attention as he was still being trained and still needed frequent trips outside; this meant that someone had to have an eye on him at every moment. And with him being so adorable and hilarious, we all wanted to play with him and watch what he would do. An entire evening revolved around watching the puppy bound around the living room, talking about the puppy, listening to the puppy, and thinking about the puppy. After a few hours, I did start to bore of it, and it struck me, “This is what life would be like if one of us brought a child into the picture.” The only difference is that I love animals, but I find children annoying. I could imagine the entire family sitting around the room obsessing about the child while I yawned and wished to be somewhere else.

Selfishly, I hold out some hope that neither of my siblings will have children. My brother loves his dog but has acknowledged the unexpected amount of work involved in caring for him; maybe that will cause my brother to lean further toward the childfree side of the fence. With her career, her world travels, and her lack of interest in dating, I could imagine my sister ending up childless by circumstance, running out of time because her life was so full of other amazing things. Of course, I feel quite conflicted about this. I love her dearly and want the best for her. I would be deeply saddened if she were childless and regretful of it.

I suppose that all I can do for now is cherish the relationships I have with my brother and sister and hope for the best in the future. Their lives do not revolve around my desires, nor should they, and I love them too much to begrudge them any happiness.

Random Thoughts on New Year’s Day

Thank you to everyone who has read, followed, or commented on my blog in 2009. It is both flattering and humbling to know that other people have an interest in what I have to say, and I hope that my ramblings, rantings, and insights will continue to bless you and others in 2010.

A couple of days ago, I was pondering how long it had been since my last post. I realized that my lack of inspiration is probably mostly due to how little I have read my Bible lately. It seems that my richest writings and ideas come when I am taking the time to carefully read and think about what God has to say; to dissect what is actually in the Bible and why it is there versus what my culture or what the church as an organization has added to or inferred from it. I have never been one for New Year’s resolutions, but it might be reasonable to resolve to read my Bible more often in the coming year.

I tend to keep a very small circle of friends, and so on New Year’s Eve I found myself in the company of a select group of people: my Christian husband, an agnostic schoolteacher, an atheist physicist/engineer, and a pair of psychologists who believe strongly in a spiritual realm, but are not committed to any sort of religion (perhaps one might consider them to be agnostic); and for a little while, the psychologists’ 20-year-old-philosopher son joined us. Being an introvert, I tend to prefer listening to talking, and I also tend to be quite closed with people. Consequently, when it comes to my faith, I am not a charismatic evangelist but rather an “infiltrator”* who will share my faith only with those who express a genuine interest. As our conversation broke the social rule of not discussing religion or politics, I listened thoughtfully to what everyone at the table had to say until the point-blank question was directed at me, “Do you ascribe to any religion?” In the safety of these open-minded thinkers, none of whom had any interest in criticizing or converting anyone, I began with a terse answer and a subtle invitation to probe further. At one point, the atheist asked me for the “Reader’s Digest version” of what I believed Christianity was all about, and everyone at the table gave me their full attention as I described our depraved nature, our separation from God, and our opportunity for redemption. The dialogue that followed included some healthy debate on whether or not the scientific method can have anything to do with spirituality, difference of opinion about logical inferences that can be made from what we observe (for instance, “Your belief in X would bring me to the opposite conclusion, that there must not be any God”), and other philosophical theories. Though we of course did not come to any sort of consensus on the spiritual, I was awed with the opportunity to share my beliefs, and I am grateful for the continued feeling of God’s presence giving me quiet confidence. I love having my faith (respectfully) questioned or challenged. It makes me a better thinker, which in turn makes me a stronger Christian.

I will leave today’s ramblings with one last thought. As I settled down at my computer to write and reflect on last night’s events, I was reminded of a quote from Dr. Francis Collins, the former director of the National Human Genome Research Institute: "[R]eason alone cannot prove the existence of God. Faith is reason plus revelation, and the revelation part requires one to think with the spirit as well as with the mind. You have to hear the music, not just read the notes on the page. Ultimately, a leap of faith is required."

*When I call myself an “infiltrator,” I do not mean to imply that I have any nefarious intentions. People who are attracted to my talents and interests or to my calm, quiet demeanor often become curious about what makes me tick, and so they are the ones who initiate conversations about my beliefs. If I were to evangelize, I might have otherwise turned off these people. Instead, it comes naturally for me to “hook” certain people so that they want to engage me.

Happy New Year!

Childfree Confessions, #6 (pregnancy announcements)

I cannot bring myself to be happy for anyone who announces a pregnancy.

Stereotypically, women are supposed to respond to such an announcement with squeals of delight, hearty congratulations, and girlish giddiness. I just feel a little ill.

Sometimes I try to fake it with a half-smile and an un-heartfelt, “Congratulations,” in which case I feel like a fraud. When I have more time to think about it, I am able to pull together a more honest response such as, “I wish you the best.” With a couple of my closer friends and acquaintances, I have blurted out without thinking, “Well, better you than me!”

There are so many events in which I can share another person’s joy (new house, adopting a pet, getting a job or promotion, etc.) that I have asked myself over and over again, Why must I feel so unhappy when these expectant parents proclaim their news?

I can promise you that it is not envy or jealousy. I have not ever, even for a fraction of a second, wished that I could be the one making the announcement. I have no questions or concerns about my childfree status, nor do I ever desire any part of the lives of my childed friends (in fact, whenever I leave the home of someone who has children, I am overwhelmed with relief and gratitude that I can retreat to my quiet, peaceful, clean home). That is, unless you count the simple feeling of being on the outside. They are being initiated into the parent club, and I will not be joining. They will have their conversations about exploding diapers and sleepless nights, smiling knowingly at other parents while they make comments to me along the lines of, “You can’t understand unless you have kids.”
And so, “I’m becoming a parent” = “I’m better than you now.”

I will admit that some of my ire springs from pure selfishness. When my peers become parents, without fail they stop spending time with me. No more invitations, no more e-mails. They cannot come to my parties because they cannot find a sitter. They cannot come to my house for dinner because they need to go with little Isabella to her friend’s birthday party. They cannot attend event X with me on Saturday because the kids have a soccer game. (And of course, on those rare occasions when they do spend time with me, they remind me that I’m not a part of their club anyway.)
And so, “I’m pregnant” = “It was nice knowing you, but don’t bother contacting me anymore.”

But it is not all about me. Every new pregnancy means the loss of a potential home for a less fortunate child who has already been born. I have expressed before that I am passionate about adoption and about caring for the world’s orphans. As the reality sets in that may never be ready to adopt a young person myself, I grow increasingly weary that people who want children completely close their minds to adoption. Many times I have tried to plant the seed in the mind of a future parent, but my words have always fallen on deaf ears. The lack of compassion and empathy breaks my heart.
And so, “I’ve made a baby” = “Who gives a rip about the orphans suffering in the world? I need someone with my own superior DNA!”

Corinne Maier said, “…every baby born in a developed country is an ecological disaster for the whole planet.” I consider that hyperbole more than anything else, but I do believe that every child born in the U.S. is headed down a road filled with unbridled consumption and waste, the likes of which the orphans in the world could never imagine.
And so, “I’m having a child” = “I and my family are going to become more gluttonous and wasteful than ever before.”

Wait… why should I be happy about a pregnancy announcement?!

Open Your Hand Wide

This time of year always puts me in a more charitable mood, as I know it does many people, and Deuteronomy 15 has been on my heart lately.
(7) If there is among you anyone in need, a member of your community in any of your towns within the land that the Lord your God is giving you, do not be hard-hearted or tight-fisted toward your needy neighbor. (8) You should rather open your hand, willingly lending enough to meet the need, whatever it may be. (10) Give liberally and be ungrudging when you do so, for on this account the Lord will bless you in all your work and in all you undertake. (11) Since there will never cease to be some in need on the earth, I therefore command you, “Open your hand to the poor and needy neighbor in your land.”
The King James translation adds, “Open thine hand wide” unto the poor in the land. Opening my hand is something that I was raised with, so it comes somewhat naturally to me, but “open your hand wide” has been ringing in my ears lately. As the soup kitchens in my area fret that they are serving nearly double the number of meals that they served last year, as the layoffs continue at the local companies, as the cost of living increases, I look at how I have been blessed and I know that God would have me share that with others. Still, in the back of my mind I will think, “But I should stash away some more in savings in case I lose my job,” or, “I should set aside more money for my retirement,” or whatever other excuse I would like to make. But I feel the tug again… “open your hand wide.”

Oddly enough for a childfree person, I have given a great deal of attention to organizations that support children. Despite the fact that I don’t particularly like most children, I don’t want to see them harmed by the adults in their lives. I don’t want them to be hungry; I don’t want them to be cold; I don’t want them to go without Christmas gifts. In most cases, these children are victims of situations that are so far out of their control, and I want to help. I have had the recent pleasure to buy gifts for “tween” girls through the Salvation Army’s angel tree program, and I have sent extra money for Christmas gifts for the girls I sponsor through World Vision. My husband’s favorite cause is the summer camp where he used to work.

We are also mindful of the local food pantries, shelters (for people and for animals), and other service organizations. Still, I am always asking myself, is it enough? And is it going to the right places? And will it be used for the right thing?

I am blogging about this to share my struggle but also to call others to action with me. It is sometimes frustrating to be generous when there are some lazy and unscrupulous people out there who abuse the systems that the government or private charities have put in place. However, we cannot be excused from doing what is right just because there are others who are doing what is wrong.

Some of you reading this may feel that what little you have to give would not mean much, but I would remind you of the widow’s mite story in Mark 12:42-43. Jesus said of her, “This poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the treasury. For all of them have contributed out of their abundance; but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had.” And your gift in concert with the gifts of others will grow into something more meaningful than you expect (think of the money the Salvation Army raises as people donate their pocket change to the Red Kettle campaigns!). Others of you may need to be on the receiving end at this time, and there is nothing wrong with that. Be a good steward of what you are given, and some day you will be able to give back to someone else in need.

Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. -Matthew 5:11-12

To repeat what I say in the introduction of my blog, many of us Christians give the world ammunition to hate us. From misguided misinterpretations of the Bible (I didn’t realize until I was a senior in high school that there is NO verse in the Bible prohibiting the consumption of alcohol), to judgment and unforgiveness toward someone who sins, to angry and violent diatribes against anyone who believes differently, I have seen it all and hung my head in shame… especially in the instances where I am guilty myself. Fortunately for all of us, God’s gracious heart is big enough to accept all of us, no matter what faults we have.

And there is a certain trickiness to following God, especially when it comes to interpreting the Bible and determining how to act upon our interpretation. We try to take pieces of the Bible in their proper context and struggle with whether or not some parts of the Bible apply to modern life. On top of that, I do think that it is an important (but sticky!) business to distinguish which biblical messages are a description of the way things were versus a prescription for how things should be. (I must credit the pastor-author Paul Smith for that phrase.)

While there are many things about modern life that the writers of the Bible could not comprehend, many of us Christians believe that we should focus on relevant, consistent themes throughout the Bible ("love your neighbor", "care for the orphans", etc.) and use those themes to guide our approach to modern issues. And of course, the modern issue that seems to cause the greatest rift among the church and the childfree is reproduction and birth control.

As a Protestant, I don’t answer to the Roman Catholic church, so I completely divorce myself from any of the official Catholic teachings about reproduction and birth control. (This is not to show contempt to my Catholic sisters and brothers; it is a respectful disagreement. I acknowledge that those in service - priests, nuns, etc. - do not have children, and many Catholics do practice one form or another of family planning, but that is probably a discussion for another post.) Although there are some Protestants who range from hesitant to resistant to birth control, I would claim that as a whole - based on my own personal experiences in many churches in several parts of the world - the Protestant church does not generally have a problem with people using birth control. And when I talk about “the church,” I mean the people - not an organized body of leadership that lords over the masses or some man who gets some inflammatory work published.

I have found no prohibition of birth control in the Bible. In fact, the apostle Paul supports husbands and wives making a joint decision to refrain from sex for a specified time (I Cor. 7:5), which allows for birth control by means of abstinence. In my mind, it seems that if the Bible condones the only form of family planning that would have been available at that time, I cannot conclude that God would prohibit other forms of family planning that would be available in the future. (I would also point out that there is no verse in the Bible that specifically addresses abortion either, but I need to leave that topic alone for now.)

…behold, I am sending you out as lambs in the midst of wolves. -Luke 10:3

The painful spot I am in is that even though my own Christian cohorts have no objection to birth control, and even though most of my own Christian cohorts have no issue with my childfree status, being around church-folk does not give me any relief from the idolatry of pronatalism. Some look down on me for disliking children. At best, many think I’m strange; at worst, some do think I’m evil.

But when I go to the childfree community, I’m not fully accepted there either. Even when comments are not directed at me personally, it is hard to bear the rants against “fundies,” “born agains,” “anti-choicers,” and “religious nuts”; the mockery of people who “found Jesus”; or the equal-opportunity critics who disparage anyone “stupid” or “primitive” or “ignorant” or “unenlightened” enough to believe in a spiritual realm. Churched or childfree, there is every bit as much judgment and intolerance against those who have the audacity to believe differently. (And this is not to say that all or even most people in the childfree community hate religion. I have just run into it more often there than elsewhere lately.)

So here I stand, one foot in each of two cultures, neither culture willing to accept the things that I find most critical in my life. And what I hold to be greatest is derided not only by people I respect and with whom I hoped to identify, but by the secular culture in general. Still, I cannot help but feel that Jesus is nearby, looking on with compassion and saying, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

For the message about the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written, “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart.”
Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, God decided, through the foolishness of our proclamation, to save those who believe.
For Jews demand signs and Greeks desire wisdom, but we proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.
For God’s foolishness is wiser than human wisdom, and God’s weakness of is stronger than human strength. Consider your own call, brothers and sisters: not many of you were wise by human standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth.
But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, so that no one might boast in the presence of God.
-I Corinthians 1:18-29