So, not too long ago I wrote about my unhappiness surrounding becoming an aunt. Though I talked about my fear of losing my dear brother as one of my closest friends, what I did not mention at the time is my fear of losing my sister-in-law too.
From the first time I met her, I loved her. She was someone I was thrilled to welcome into our family, a good companion for my brother, an instant friend to me -- and I don't make friends easily. Pretty much anything I said about my brother in that last post, I could say something similar in reference to her.
But now the facebook drama has begun... pictures of distended belly, unwanted updates about bodily functions or pregnancy side effects, attention-whoring photos and comments (although, yes, I realize that facebook is all about attention-whoring for all people in all areas of life!). For each offending story, I click "hide." Unfortunately, until I look at the image in front of me or read at least part of the update, I won't know if it needs to be hidden. By the time I view it, I cannot wash it out of my brain. I don't want to have to hide everything she posts; I don't want to lose her completely. But I wonder how long it will be, how much more I will have to stomach, before I feel compelled to cut her off.
It's not that that I want to dump her as a friend just because she is having a child, and it's not that I won't be able to see her or speak to her anymore. But I worry that she will never again be that same interesting person I loved. Someone said to me, "You make it sound as if someone died." Well, in a sense, this does resemble the death of one personality and the emergence of a new person who could be just a disfigured shadow of what she had been before -- the kind of person I would not have befriended if I had first met her in this state. How can I not mourn that loss?
I've lost a few dear friends this way... The latest got offended when I said diaper changing alone didn’t make you qualified to argue with a practicing attorney, referring to a woman in one of my law classes whose only work experience in the last 12 years was child rearing… More recently it looks like the only member of my husband's family that I really connected with is going the same way. I knew she was horny for babies, I just didn't think she would throw her life away straight out of college and now wants to be a stay-at-home-mom. Does that sound intelligent? Blow a chunk of change on a very good education then make diaper changing your full-time job?? And women REALLY have to wonder why we earn less on average than men?? Its thoughtless actions like these that make it difficult to be friends with mommies. Child-free ladies have a lot of interests and none of them involve the weird places a mommy sprouts hair, the new stretch marks or the pain a mommy CHOOSES to put herself through. They are no longer Amy or Heather or Melissa…they’re “mommy”. It is their only identity. Check out a new mommy’s Facebook page…the profile pic is no longer their face it’s their gut, an ultra-sound or the slimy countenance of that bundle of joy whose effect on them evokes uncomfortable images of ‘Invasion of the Body-Snatchers’.
ReplyDeleteI have a couple of friends I literally have not heard from since they had children. It's so disappointing.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you will lose your SIL as a friend but like you said the old friend is going to take on a new life with new priorities. You may have to decide if the new person she becomes is someone you can still have enough in common with to make the effort. It is ok to mourn the loss of this friendship. I hope someone new will enter your life when you least expect it. Friendships, the kind that last, are a rare thing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comments, everyone. As a bit of a postscript, I just received a card from her, signed, "Love, B, S, and the Baby Bump."
ReplyDeleteSweet that she sent me a card, nauseating that she had to say "baby bump," one of my biggest pet peeves in the English language. Sigh.
Yeah, I had to hide a friend who, literally, posted at least one new picture of her baby every. single. day. The kid is nine months old now and it's still going on. And, since my niece was born, by bro and sis in law don't wish us happy birthday anymore. Now, the baby wishes us happy birthday via text.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you could have a polite conversation with your bro and sis in law and let them know that, while you love them and want the best for them, you just aren't into the whole baby thing. It might help make the expectations clear on both ends and avoid a lot of hurt feelings later down the road.
I find my perspective on your plight to be more after thought. I have two children. Both riddled with issues I refuse to give in to. they are adults now and must choose right from wrong without blaming us for not being rich, or hip or their friends etc. No, we were too busy parenting. If I had to go back and do it again, I'm not sure I would've had children knowing the world they would have to grow up in or the family I come from. If I had a dollar for every time I saw a bad habit from the generation before rear it's ugly head in the generation ahead... I'd be a rich girl! I'm loving the vibe of your blog. Glad I "bumped" into you. Huggers... tammy
ReplyDelete@falfie, thanks for the advice. My brother seems to understand me really well, and so far he has been great. My SIL, however, is a pretty typical head-in-the-clouds first-time mom-to-be, and I truly am happy for her that she is so excited. The challenge will definitely be explaining my coolness without raining on her parade.
ReplyDelete@Tammy, thank you for your comments. Even though I have only just met you, you sound like a conscientious parent. I wish you the best as you interact with your grown children -- keep up the good fight!
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