The life of a parent is completely unpalatable to me.
The more sites I frequent online, the more often I see parents accusing the childfree of being envious. “You’re just saying critical things about our sense of entitlement, the obnoxious behavior of our children, our negative impact on the earth’s ecosystems, the mundane aspects of child-rearing, or _____ (fill in the blank) because you wish you had children / you waited too long to have children / you feel like you have missed out / etc.” I can honestly say that, no, this is most definitely not the case. When I see any aspect of parenthood, I am turned off. This can range from mild disgust (similar to when I see someone eating mushrooms, and I want to say, “How can you put those in your mouth?!”) to downright disdain (as when I see someone make what I believe to be an unwise financial decision… “Why on earth are you buying a brand new $45,000 car when you have $60,000 of student loans to pay off?!”). I don’t understand it, I don’t need it, and I don’t find it the least bit appealing.
I have one friend in particular who has completely immersed herself in traditional motherhood. Sometimes I think she judges me or feels sorry for me, but there is no good reason for it. So here is my confession to her and to all of the parents making accusations about the childfree who are bitter about what we are missing.
Dear Friend,
I am truly glad that you find such joy in raising your children. I am glad that being a stay-at-home-mom is a good fit for you. I am glad that you enjoy playhouses, scrapbooking about the kids, pre-school graduations, and all of the things moms do. I really am happy for you, I think.
But please understand that I find your life appalling. The big, gaudy jungle gym in your back yard is something I would never want in my yard. The toys strewn around your home are a bit of a disaster. I would never be able to relax with all of the noise in your household and the incessant “mommy mommy mommy!!!” that you have to listen to. Your children are nice enough, but one of them is overly demanding and self-centered and the other one is just plain dull. I don’t know what I would do if I had children of my own like that, or worse.
I would hate the tedium of bath time, meals, and playing with or entertaining the kids. “Momversations” with children are so boring. The things you do (want to do? have to do?) with your children are things with which I would have no patience. Just thinking about it makes me want to tear my hair out.
I don’t think that having children has helped your relationship with your husband either. I know the two of you have always been in more traditional roles than my husband I and are, but the imbalance seems to have grown greater since you had children. I wouldn’t want my relationship with my spouse to change; it is wonderful as it is. Your “date nights” are bizarre to me, I guess because what you consider to be “date night” is what my husband and I consider to be “every night.”
And you have lost yourself. With your incredible talent, you were on the cusp of an amazing career. I’m glad that you seem happy about giving it up, but I cannot imagine many things in my life that would make me unhappier than to throw away that kind of potential. Instead, everything you say or do is about the kids. Everything. Where did you go?
You probably think I am a horrible person for having these feelings, which is why I generally keep them hidden from the rest of the world. When people like me show our true faces, we are punished with nasty comments like, “Well, it’s a good thing that someone like you DOESN’T have children!” I suppose I should not be hurt by such comments because, yes, it IS a good thing that someone who does not embrace children and motherhood does not have children. But the condescending, holier-than-thou tone serves as a painful reminder of all the people who think I am a freak for my feelings and choices.
Still, I would not trade my life with yours for all the money in the world, but I will keep reminding myself that it’s good for you. So please don’t feel sorry for me, and I’ll try not to feel sorry for you.
That is awesome and so well written! :)
ReplyDeleteIt is similar to some of the things my single girlfriend and I have discussed about some of our friends with kids - not the condescending part but the losing who they were part.
Sad really...
A very well expressed letter. Glad that you wrote it!
ReplyDeleteVery well expressed letter! Thank you for sharing these very raw feelings. Even if they fall on deaf ears your words are very powerful and express a lot of what many of us would want to say to friends and acquaintances who don't get that the world does not revolve around them or that their is more than one point of view. Great job!
ReplyDeleteStrong opinions! ;-) :-)
ReplyDeleteAlso it wouldn't suprise me if in reality most of these people having children are jealous about the freedom we have that they no longer have themselves.
I just want to point out one thing though; Being a Beleiver and Follower of Christ Jesus, we do lose ourselves in some sense. We are still the ones which God created us to being, with our abilities and given talents through Him, but at the same time once we chose to having Him in our lives, we then no longer live for ourselves but we are meant to living for Him.
This is something a lot of parents point out; About sacrificing their freedom for their children, to have more time and focuse on them, more than in yourself. Also something that can make it easier for them to misjudge such people like us that chose to not wanting to have any children. They can easily say that we are more self centered than what they are, whilst forgetting that they chose for getting children of their own. Most likely they will feel better if they can take away our joys in having that freedom many of them have lost 'cause of getting children themselves.
I see it as a great joy to be living for the Lord, and I beleive that by having no children, I will have much more time spending with my own growth in Christ Jesus. This is very important for me, and I wouldn't like to change this!