Regarding pets as a manifestation of our secret desire for children…
(a) The American Veterinary Medical Association estimates that nearly 60% of households own a pet (the Humane Society of the U.S. breaks some of this down with 39% of households owning at least one dog and 33% of households owning at least one cat; obviously some of these households will overlap). I know from personal experience that many of these households include children too. What I am getting at is that pet ownership is sort of the “normal” American way of life. The childfree likely adopt pets for many of the same reasons that people who have (or want to have) children do.
(b) Don’t be silly. Animals are way better than children!
In 2009, a childfree couple was on the Tyra Banks show, and when the subject of pets came up, Tyra responded with something to the effect of, “Of course your dogs would have human names.” Uh…wha…? I work at an animal shelter. About half of the pets there have human names. It’s what people sometimes do, regardless of whether or not they have children. Most of my mom’s cats have human names; my friends with children all have pets with human names. My pets, on the other hand, do not have human names. I chose names that fit their coloring, shape, or personality; if a human name accomplished that, I would use it.
Some years ago, as well-meaning friend said something about my cats being my children, and at the time, it was kind of an “aha” moment for me that, yes, my cats were more valuable to me than I was willing to admit (I had been raised with this idea that they “were just animals” and not worth spending money on, even sometimes to the exclusion of necessary veterinary care). While my friend’s comments did free me of some of the hang-ups I had about how to appropriately care for a pet, I have since realized that my relationship with my cats could not be further from a mother-child relationship. Well, my boy cat acts like a mama’s boy, so I suppose we have somewhat of a mother-child bond, but my other cats are more like roommates.
Even so, I haven’t the slightest desire to have a parent-child relationship with my animals. I love taking care of them, and I also love the amount of self-sufficiency they have. I love them precisely because they are animals and not people. My whole life I have been an animal lover, and having pets is just one way that I express that. And if I did want/have children, animals would still be a major part of my life.
Ultimately, for me and for many of the childfree with whom I have discussed this in the virtual world, pets are not a replacement for the children who are “missing” in our lives. We have animals because we love animals. End of story.
Showing posts with label childfree. Show all posts
Showing posts with label childfree. Show all posts
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Childfree Stereotypes: Our Relationship with Pets, Part I
One of the negative stereotypes about the childfree is that they have pets as a replacement for children. I call this negative because the spin is usually that we are overly indulgent toward our pets (frivolous, selfish, etc.) or that we are hiding from the fact that deep down inside we really do want children, so we pretend our animals are our children.
As far as indulgence… I grant you that someone who is not spending hundreds of dollars on diapers, strollers, baby food, etc., probably can use that same money to spend on pet grooming, pet toys, beds, doggy day care, and the like. There are definitely people who are indulgent toward their pets. The pet care industry has been booming over the past decade or so, and even in families with children, pets are often seen as part of the family and are treated accordingly. I admit to a little bit of indulgence myself. When one of my cats was insistent upon drinking out of the kitchen tap, I was concerned about him potentially sitting in e.coli in the kitchen sink. I bought him a Petwell drinking fountain as an alternative. Indulgent? Maybe slightly. Solving a problem? Definitely.
And though my cats have a couple of beds around the house, I realize that they don’t appreciate designer fabrics. My pet beds were $10 at Big Lots.
On the other hand, my pets receive a lot of emotional indulgence. I gladly take the time every day to snuggle them, talk baby-talk to them, flatter them, brush them, let them sit on my lap, and give them free reign of the house. (If you don’t like that fact that my cat walks on the countertops, then don’t put food on the bare countertop.) After all of the emotional support they give me, how could I not act in kind?
So before you believe the stereotype about indulgence, think about a few things…
Oh, and by the way, not all childfree people have pets.
As far as indulgence… I grant you that someone who is not spending hundreds of dollars on diapers, strollers, baby food, etc., probably can use that same money to spend on pet grooming, pet toys, beds, doggy day care, and the like. There are definitely people who are indulgent toward their pets. The pet care industry has been booming over the past decade or so, and even in families with children, pets are often seen as part of the family and are treated accordingly. I admit to a little bit of indulgence myself. When one of my cats was insistent upon drinking out of the kitchen tap, I was concerned about him potentially sitting in e.coli in the kitchen sink. I bought him a Petwell drinking fountain as an alternative. Indulgent? Maybe slightly. Solving a problem? Definitely.
And though my cats have a couple of beds around the house, I realize that they don’t appreciate designer fabrics. My pet beds were $10 at Big Lots.
On the other hand, my pets receive a lot of emotional indulgence. I gladly take the time every day to snuggle them, talk baby-talk to them, flatter them, brush them, let them sit on my lap, and give them free reign of the house. (If you don’t like that fact that my cat walks on the countertops, then don’t put food on the bare countertop.) After all of the emotional support they give me, how could I not act in kind?
So before you believe the stereotype about indulgence, think about a few things…
- So what if people are good to their animals?
- There are plenty of people with children who are just as nuts about their animals as the childfree are -- I work with many of them at the animal shelter!
- This childfree gal proves that spending extravagant amounts of money on pet pampering is not a universal trait of the childfree.
Oh, and by the way, not all childfree people have pets.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
You’ll Never Hear Me Complain
Anyone who is friends with a parent has probably at least occasionally found herself stuck in the middle of a conversation about potty-training, about children vomiting in their bed in the middle of the night, about the embarrassing thing Johnny said in public, etc. Anyone who is facebook friends with a parent is probably inundated with inappropriate newsfeed items containing hour-by-hour updates on potty training, gory details of a child’s illness (what he has, how often he has vomited), or complaints about how difficult life is with children.
If you dare call these folks out on their overshare or their complaints, you will likely be admonished with the all-knowing, “Just wait until you have kids,” or, “You wouldn’t understand unless you had children of your own.” Well, you know what? In the years I have worked at the animal shelter, fostered cats, kittens, and dogs in my home, and raised animals of my own, I have been pooped on, peed on, diarrhea-ed on, drooled on, barfed on, sneezed on, pussed on, snotted on, had earmite waste shaken all over me while cleaning ears, had upset cats “express” their anal glands at me, been bitten by fleas, scratched, nipped, and covered in filthy pawprints, just to name a few things.
I have dealt with coccidia, other intestinal parasites, fleas, lice, mange, ear mites, upper respiratory infections, coronaviruses, eye infections. I have administered countless medications in various forms. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to give a cat a pill? I have spread antibiotic ointment on pus-covered, oozing incisions. I have cleaned infected puncture wounds. I have had to syringe-feed kittens who were too sick or too young to eat on their own, stick my fingers in kitty mouths to force-feed nutritional supplements, and get up in the middle of the night to attend to animals in distress.
I have picked goobers out of eyes and noses, clipped the toenails of flailing felines, and cleaned dried feces out of many an animal’s fur.
And through all this, I never complain. When I pulled a roundworm out of my foster kitten’s rear end, did I feel the need to tell all of facebook about it? When I stepped on a hairball that was left on the rug, did I complain about it in your newsfeed? When Fluffy barged into my bathroom and accidentally jumped into the toilet before I could flush it, did I race to the computer to tell everyone the story? When I scrubbed diarrhea off the wall, did I post a status update telling everyone how hard it is to take care of sick kittens?
No one hears about the drudgery of me scooping litterboxes, picking vomit out of the carpet, breaking up cat fights, or trying to silence cat noises at 4am, because you know what? I don’t mind it. All of the hard work, all of the grossness, I take it in stride. Sometimes what I do is quite gag-worthy, but I love taking care of animals. I have come to believe that I love my animals and enjoy caring for them more than most parents love and enjoy caring for their children.
Now I know what you’re thinking… “But animals don’t keep you up all night long for days on end,” or, “Animals don’t talk back,” or, “Animals are far less stressful to raise than children,” or, “Animals express greater appreciation for what you do than a child will,” or, “Kittens are much easier to toilet train.” Eh, maybe, maybe not. I certainly won’t argue with anyone who implies that animals are much more wonderful than children. But even so, whatever gross thing that a parent has to complain about, I have probably dealt with something grosser. And you’ll never hear me complain.
If you dare call these folks out on their overshare or their complaints, you will likely be admonished with the all-knowing, “Just wait until you have kids,” or, “You wouldn’t understand unless you had children of your own.” Well, you know what? In the years I have worked at the animal shelter, fostered cats, kittens, and dogs in my home, and raised animals of my own, I have been pooped on, peed on, diarrhea-ed on, drooled on, barfed on, sneezed on, pussed on, snotted on, had earmite waste shaken all over me while cleaning ears, had upset cats “express” their anal glands at me, been bitten by fleas, scratched, nipped, and covered in filthy pawprints, just to name a few things.
I have dealt with coccidia, other intestinal parasites, fleas, lice, mange, ear mites, upper respiratory infections, coronaviruses, eye infections. I have administered countless medications in various forms. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to give a cat a pill? I have spread antibiotic ointment on pus-covered, oozing incisions. I have cleaned infected puncture wounds. I have had to syringe-feed kittens who were too sick or too young to eat on their own, stick my fingers in kitty mouths to force-feed nutritional supplements, and get up in the middle of the night to attend to animals in distress.
I have picked goobers out of eyes and noses, clipped the toenails of flailing felines, and cleaned dried feces out of many an animal’s fur.
And through all this, I never complain. When I pulled a roundworm out of my foster kitten’s rear end, did I feel the need to tell all of facebook about it? When I stepped on a hairball that was left on the rug, did I complain about it in your newsfeed? When Fluffy barged into my bathroom and accidentally jumped into the toilet before I could flush it, did I race to the computer to tell everyone the story? When I scrubbed diarrhea off the wall, did I post a status update telling everyone how hard it is to take care of sick kittens?
No one hears about the drudgery of me scooping litterboxes, picking vomit out of the carpet, breaking up cat fights, or trying to silence cat noises at 4am, because you know what? I don’t mind it. All of the hard work, all of the grossness, I take it in stride. Sometimes what I do is quite gag-worthy, but I love taking care of animals. I have come to believe that I love my animals and enjoy caring for them more than most parents love and enjoy caring for their children.
Now I know what you’re thinking… “But animals don’t keep you up all night long for days on end,” or, “Animals don’t talk back,” or, “Animals are far less stressful to raise than children,” or, “Animals express greater appreciation for what you do than a child will,” or, “Kittens are much easier to toilet train.” Eh, maybe, maybe not. I certainly won’t argue with anyone who implies that animals are much more wonderful than children. But even so, whatever gross thing that a parent has to complain about, I have probably dealt with something grosser. And you’ll never hear me complain.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Idolatry Revisited
I must admit that I’m not much of a reader, but on a recent airplane trip, I took the time to reread The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. It had been years since I first read the book, and I had forgotten how wonderful it was. In particular, there were certain passages that became more meaningful to me as a 35-year-old childfree person than they were when I was a 22-year-old childfree person, now that I have more experience with people’s idolization of their children and many women’s arrogance and obsession with their motherhood.
For anyone who has not read the book, the narrator of the story describes taking a bus ride from hell (or purgatory) to heaven. Upon arrival in heaven, he witnesses the response his fellow passengers have to the reality of heaven and observes their interactions with the friends and relatives who greet them. Many of these passengers are displeased with what they find and are unwilling to shed their earthly baggage for the joy of heaven. As I read these accounts, I kept thinking, “My gosh, I know this person,” or, “I could have been that other person.” But the one that Lewis nailed with the greatest poignancy for me was the mother, Pam. Pam was disappointed to be met by someone called Reginald rather than by her son Michael. As Pam crabbed to Reginald about wanting to see Michael, Reginald tried to explain to her how things worked in heaven and that she would see Michael in due time… but first she needed to seek God. Pam retorted, “You wouldn’t talk like that if you were a Mother.” I loved Reginald’s reply: “You mean, if I were only a mother. But there is no such thing as being only a mother. You exist as Michael’s mother only because you first exist as God’s creature. That relation is older and closer.”
When Pam continued to argue that she gave up everything to make her son happy, Reginald informed her, “Human beings can’t make one another really happy for long…[God] wanted your merely instinctive love for your child (tigresses share that, you know!) to turn into something better. He wanted you to love Michael as He understands love… But there was, it seems, no chance of that in your case. The instinct was uncontrolled and fierce and monomaniac.”
After a while, Pam grew increasingly frustrated and demanded to see her son because, “He is mine, do you understand? Mine, mine, mine, for ever and ever.” When Reginald protested that “nothing can be yours by nature,” Pam was incredulous. I think I may have actually witnessed the following interchange in real life:
I suppose I felt some level of comfort knowing that, so many years ago, Lewis must have encountered the same kind of obsessed and self-righteous women that I have encountered… that it isn’t just me… that this isn’t some new phenomenon. And I could not help but be amused at the continual clever rebuttals to what the obsessed mother had to say. Ever the thinker, Lewis has unexpectedly given me some ideas for replies the next time I’m bingoed.
For anyone who has not read the book, the narrator of the story describes taking a bus ride from hell (or purgatory) to heaven. Upon arrival in heaven, he witnesses the response his fellow passengers have to the reality of heaven and observes their interactions with the friends and relatives who greet them. Many of these passengers are displeased with what they find and are unwilling to shed their earthly baggage for the joy of heaven. As I read these accounts, I kept thinking, “My gosh, I know this person,” or, “I could have been that other person.” But the one that Lewis nailed with the greatest poignancy for me was the mother, Pam. Pam was disappointed to be met by someone called Reginald rather than by her son Michael. As Pam crabbed to Reginald about wanting to see Michael, Reginald tried to explain to her how things worked in heaven and that she would see Michael in due time… but first she needed to seek God. Pam retorted, “You wouldn’t talk like that if you were a Mother.” I loved Reginald’s reply: “You mean, if I were only a mother. But there is no such thing as being only a mother. You exist as Michael’s mother only because you first exist as God’s creature. That relation is older and closer.”
When Pam continued to argue that she gave up everything to make her son happy, Reginald informed her, “Human beings can’t make one another really happy for long…[God] wanted your merely instinctive love for your child (tigresses share that, you know!) to turn into something better. He wanted you to love Michael as He understands love… But there was, it seems, no chance of that in your case. The instinct was uncontrolled and fierce and monomaniac.”
After a while, Pam grew increasingly frustrated and demanded to see her son because, “He is mine, do you understand? Mine, mine, mine, for ever and ever.” When Reginald protested that “nothing can be yours by nature,” Pam was incredulous. I think I may have actually witnessed the following interchange in real life:
“What? Not my own son, born out of my own body?”The narrator and his heavenly guide eventually move on from Pam and discuss love versus lust and how good love can go bad. The guide muses that there is something about feelings of love that can “make it easier to stop at the natural level and mistake it for the heavenly. Brass is mistaken for gold more easily than clay is.” He later concludes, “The false religion of lust is baser than the false religion of mother-love or patriotism or art: but lust is less likely to be made into a religion.”
“And where is your own body now? Didn’t you know that nature draws to an end?”
“Michael is mine.”
“How yours? You didn’t make him. Nature made him to grow in your body without your will. Even against your will…”
I suppose I felt some level of comfort knowing that, so many years ago, Lewis must have encountered the same kind of obsessed and self-righteous women that I have encountered… that it isn’t just me… that this isn’t some new phenomenon. And I could not help but be amused at the continual clever rebuttals to what the obsessed mother had to say. Ever the thinker, Lewis has unexpectedly given me some ideas for replies the next time I’m bingoed.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
More About Teenagers
I was at a party primarily for adults (there were a few children who had been relegated to another part of the house), and I was surrounded (blissfully) by people without young children: some childfree, some childless, and some parents of teens or adults. One of the mothers brought her 15-year-old daughter whom I’ll call Greta. Poor Greta was looking a little bored from feeling out of place -- a feeling I know all too well -- and since we now know that I like teenagers, I thought I would strike up a conversation with her. I found her to be a sweet, intelligent, and interesting young woman, and I enjoyed bringing her into the conversation.
To my dismay, however, every so often mom would chime in to either answer for Greta or to tell a story about her. For example, I asked Greta what her least favorite subject was at school. She paused to think for a moment, and her mother jumped right in to answer. I listened politely, but then I turned back to Greta to discuss the topic further.
This is a prime example of why I teach college rather than high school. Even though I encounter plenty of helicopter parents, there are still federal laws that support me in working with students and squeezing their intrusive parents out of the picture when appropriate. This situation is also another reason that I don’t want to be a parent: I don’t want to become that kind of person. (Though it isn’t just helicopter parenting. I also don’t want to develop that sense of entitlement, grandiose self-importance, single-mindedness, and self-centeredness that I witness in many parents. I have watched parenthood turn too many decent and interesting people into narcissistic boors.)
But getting back to my topic… If anyone has advice on how to lovingly, politely, and diplomatically let mom know that I want to hear what her daughter has to say, I would love to hear from you.
To my dismay, however, every so often mom would chime in to either answer for Greta or to tell a story about her. For example, I asked Greta what her least favorite subject was at school. She paused to think for a moment, and her mother jumped right in to answer. I listened politely, but then I turned back to Greta to discuss the topic further.
This is a prime example of why I teach college rather than high school. Even though I encounter plenty of helicopter parents, there are still federal laws that support me in working with students and squeezing their intrusive parents out of the picture when appropriate. This situation is also another reason that I don’t want to be a parent: I don’t want to become that kind of person. (Though it isn’t just helicopter parenting. I also don’t want to develop that sense of entitlement, grandiose self-importance, single-mindedness, and self-centeredness that I witness in many parents. I have watched parenthood turn too many decent and interesting people into narcissistic boors.)
But getting back to my topic… If anyone has advice on how to lovingly, politely, and diplomatically let mom know that I want to hear what her daughter has to say, I would love to hear from you.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Childfree Confessions, #4 (teenagers)
I’m one of those rare people who likes teenagers. Obviously, not all teens -- some of them are disrespectful, irrational, or just plain mean. However, I think that most adolescents do not deserve to be painted with that stereotype.
When I was in college, I worked with the high school youth group at my church. Being shy and not a very good conversationalist, I don’t know that I was a particularly good youth worker, but I did enjoy it. I loved the energy of the teens, and I was quite fond of the girls who were in my small group.
More recently, I have worked with the InterVarsity Christian Fellowship club at my college, at times acting as club advisor or being the guest speaker at one of their group meetings. I have found the students to be receptive to what I have to say, and the students in turn have encouraged me on many occasions.
I think I may have an ability to reach out to the more difficult young people too. During my weekly volunteer work at the local humane society, I am often side-by-side with adolescents who have been sentenced to community service. I have the luxury of not being an authority figure to them, so I am often able to convince them to do something for me or coax some respect out of them more easily than their leaders can. I find that showing the kids some respect -- smiles and hello’s, thank-you’s and excuse-me’s -- truly does go a long way. Some of the kids ask me about my work there, and when they learn that I have been happily giving my time to the shelter every weekend for the past nine years, they seem to see more value in their work… if this lady does this because she wants to, maybe it’s not a “punishment” after all. I recall one incident where a girl complained and disparaged the work for several minutes. Finally, I approached her and very lovingly said, “Please don’t call this ‘ghetto work.’ [her words] What you are doing is really important, and the shelter appreciates it. And even though the animals can’t say it to you, they are grateful for it too. I’m a math professor, so I have a full-time job and don’t need to be here doing these things, but I come every week out of love and because I know it’s important. I just want you to feel good about what you are doing too.” Bless her heart, the girl’s attitude changed completely, and I didn’t hear another complaint. One of her leaders took me aside afterward and thanked me.
My admiration for adolescents and young adults has influenced my choice of profession as a community college professor, and I describe this in an article published on The Childfree Life this week (Why Do I Need a Child When I Already Have 100 'Kids'?). I feel that I get all the perks of being in the lives of those young people without all of the headaches of parenting.
If only I didn’t have to survive pregnancy and all of those early childhood years, perhaps I would have wanted to be a parent (though maybe someday I will be compelled to adopt). But now that I think about it, being a role model or mentor to the scores of teens that I have worked with and will work with is probably far more valuable to society than my being a parent and focusing my energies on just my own one or two kids.
When I was in college, I worked with the high school youth group at my church. Being shy and not a very good conversationalist, I don’t know that I was a particularly good youth worker, but I did enjoy it. I loved the energy of the teens, and I was quite fond of the girls who were in my small group.
More recently, I have worked with the InterVarsity Christian Fellowship club at my college, at times acting as club advisor or being the guest speaker at one of their group meetings. I have found the students to be receptive to what I have to say, and the students in turn have encouraged me on many occasions.
I think I may have an ability to reach out to the more difficult young people too. During my weekly volunteer work at the local humane society, I am often side-by-side with adolescents who have been sentenced to community service. I have the luxury of not being an authority figure to them, so I am often able to convince them to do something for me or coax some respect out of them more easily than their leaders can. I find that showing the kids some respect -- smiles and hello’s, thank-you’s and excuse-me’s -- truly does go a long way. Some of the kids ask me about my work there, and when they learn that I have been happily giving my time to the shelter every weekend for the past nine years, they seem to see more value in their work… if this lady does this because she wants to, maybe it’s not a “punishment” after all. I recall one incident where a girl complained and disparaged the work for several minutes. Finally, I approached her and very lovingly said, “Please don’t call this ‘ghetto work.’ [her words] What you are doing is really important, and the shelter appreciates it. And even though the animals can’t say it to you, they are grateful for it too. I’m a math professor, so I have a full-time job and don’t need to be here doing these things, but I come every week out of love and because I know it’s important. I just want you to feel good about what you are doing too.” Bless her heart, the girl’s attitude changed completely, and I didn’t hear another complaint. One of her leaders took me aside afterward and thanked me.
My admiration for adolescents and young adults has influenced my choice of profession as a community college professor, and I describe this in an article published on The Childfree Life this week (Why Do I Need a Child When I Already Have 100 'Kids'?). I feel that I get all the perks of being in the lives of those young people without all of the headaches of parenting.
If only I didn’t have to survive pregnancy and all of those early childhood years, perhaps I would have wanted to be a parent (though maybe someday I will be compelled to adopt). But now that I think about it, being a role model or mentor to the scores of teens that I have worked with and will work with is probably far more valuable to society than my being a parent and focusing my energies on just my own one or two kids.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Family Legacy
During my morning run, my mind wandered to my family and to my previous blog post, and I began to think about family legacies. Last time I saw her, one of my aunts on my dad’s side -- a lady from the old school -- expressed concern about the passing on of our family name. She hoped that her nephew’s soon-to-be-born child would be a boy so that “Family X” would live on. (Never mind that I kept my name when I married, and so I am perfectly capable of passing it on if I were to so choose.)
But after that incident, it occurred to me that as Christians, the legacy we pass down should be that of Jesus Christ, not our own. To be concerned about passing on our family name is not only narcissistic, but smacks of idolatry. Yes, we in Family X are a talented group, but our purpose on this planet is to be a light that shines for Christ. Our talent, our mental capabilities, our work ethic, our ability for tolerance… those are all gifts from God and must be used as such. Should God see fit to carry on our family name and heritage, so be it. But our concern should be to leave an inheritance of eternal value, something that glorifies God and not ourselves.
But after that incident, it occurred to me that as Christians, the legacy we pass down should be that of Jesus Christ, not our own. To be concerned about passing on our family name is not only narcissistic, but smacks of idolatry. Yes, we in Family X are a talented group, but our purpose on this planet is to be a light that shines for Christ. Our talent, our mental capabilities, our work ethic, our ability for tolerance… those are all gifts from God and must be used as such. Should God see fit to carry on our family name and heritage, so be it. But our concern should be to leave an inheritance of eternal value, something that glorifies God and not ourselves.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
What a Christian Family Should Be
Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my mother’s family. I do love them, but they can be difficult to get along with: old-fashioned, resistant to anything different, sometimes judgmental, and engaged in too much drama… simple things become such a scandal in the family. Though I was a bit of a black sheep among them, I always identified with them because of my familiarity with them. Over the past 12 years or so, I have had several occasions to spend time with my father’s side of the family, and being around them has been like looking into a mirror. Despite the “nurture” of being with mom’s family, I and my siblings are by “nature” like dad’s family.
Prior to my parents’ divorce when I was 18, my mother had an affair with a married man. When the details of this came to light, my mother’s family all but disowned her -- but not until after yelling angry, hurtful things at her or sending her hateful letters of condemnation. The next step was to refuse to speak to her or even be in her presence. At about the same time, my paternal grandmother died. My mother came to the visitation to pay her respects (after all, this had been her mother-in-law for about 20 years), and my father’s family welcomed mom with open arms. There were tears, hugs, and kind words. This woman who had hurt all of us and crushed my father was shown such love by dad and his family. It became more and more clear which side of the family I wanted to identify with.
As you can imagine, much of my mother’s family is not too pleased with me being childfree, although I have been able to deflect much of the judgment by saying that I might adopt someday. Of course, this means that at every family event, my aunt wants to know the status of the adoption. And at every event, I am surrounded by obsessed aunts and cousins doting on all of the babies. I know they all think I’m a bit of a freak.
So when I went to a gathering of my dad's side of the family last weekend, and I knew that my cousin's new baby would be there, I felt a little trepidation. Would someone ask me to hold the baby? Would the baby be the focus of the entire get-together? Would someone suggest that I would/should be "next"? I kept reminding myself that dad's family is not like that. They are accepting, non-judgmental, and rational (doctors, mathematicians, architects, computer programmers, etc.). But I was still nervous.
After I arrived, I realized that none of the other cousins there would be bringing children. One cousin is 35, unmarried, and has no kids. My sister is in a similar situation. A younger cousin is still in high school. Most of the other cousins (who were unable to attend) do not have children. A few of our oldest cousins have children who are now ‘tweens and teens. Ok, so I don’t stand out so much.
At one point in a conversation, my husband said something about us being "done" having children after zero kids. It's no secret, but I sank a little as I held my breath for the fallout. NO ONE in the room even batted an eye. The conversation just carried on as if he had said the most normal thing in the world.
When the baby arrived, of course his grandma wanted to spend a lot of time with her first grandchild. There was a very small amount of baby conversation, but most people just went on about their business. For most of the time, the baby was quiet and in a separate room from everyone as a few people took turns holding him. We cousins (including the baby's mom) had a chance to catch up, and I was pleased to see that the mom did not appear to have placenta brain. Instead, she wanted to talk about things like triathlon training.
So, I am once again grateful to have been surrounded by intelligent, educated, and informed people who are kind and accepting of people for who they are. This is what a Christian family should look like.
Prior to my parents’ divorce when I was 18, my mother had an affair with a married man. When the details of this came to light, my mother’s family all but disowned her -- but not until after yelling angry, hurtful things at her or sending her hateful letters of condemnation. The next step was to refuse to speak to her or even be in her presence. At about the same time, my paternal grandmother died. My mother came to the visitation to pay her respects (after all, this had been her mother-in-law for about 20 years), and my father’s family welcomed mom with open arms. There were tears, hugs, and kind words. This woman who had hurt all of us and crushed my father was shown such love by dad and his family. It became more and more clear which side of the family I wanted to identify with.
As you can imagine, much of my mother’s family is not too pleased with me being childfree, although I have been able to deflect much of the judgment by saying that I might adopt someday. Of course, this means that at every family event, my aunt wants to know the status of the adoption. And at every event, I am surrounded by obsessed aunts and cousins doting on all of the babies. I know they all think I’m a bit of a freak.
So when I went to a gathering of my dad's side of the family last weekend, and I knew that my cousin's new baby would be there, I felt a little trepidation. Would someone ask me to hold the baby? Would the baby be the focus of the entire get-together? Would someone suggest that I would/should be "next"? I kept reminding myself that dad's family is not like that. They are accepting, non-judgmental, and rational (doctors, mathematicians, architects, computer programmers, etc.). But I was still nervous.
After I arrived, I realized that none of the other cousins there would be bringing children. One cousin is 35, unmarried, and has no kids. My sister is in a similar situation. A younger cousin is still in high school. Most of the other cousins (who were unable to attend) do not have children. A few of our oldest cousins have children who are now ‘tweens and teens. Ok, so I don’t stand out so much.
At one point in a conversation, my husband said something about us being "done" having children after zero kids. It's no secret, but I sank a little as I held my breath for the fallout. NO ONE in the room even batted an eye. The conversation just carried on as if he had said the most normal thing in the world.
When the baby arrived, of course his grandma wanted to spend a lot of time with her first grandchild. There was a very small amount of baby conversation, but most people just went on about their business. For most of the time, the baby was quiet and in a separate room from everyone as a few people took turns holding him. We cousins (including the baby's mom) had a chance to catch up, and I was pleased to see that the mom did not appear to have placenta brain. Instead, she wanted to talk about things like triathlon training.
So, I am once again grateful to have been surrounded by intelligent, educated, and informed people who are kind and accepting of people for who they are. This is what a Christian family should look like.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
“…but it’s all worth it.”
Many of us childfree folks have heard this bingo before, generally from a condescending parent who disrespects our multitude of reasons for not wanting to have children. However, perhaps more frequently I hear it (or some version of it) as a postscript to a parent’s tirade about all of the horrible things her children have put her through; so often, in fact, that it has become a cliché. I often wonder, do people say it out of guilt? To convince themselves that it IS worth it? Or is it actually worth it?
Undoubtedly, for some people it is worth it. I too have done difficult things in my life that were ultimately “worth it” (graduate school comes to mind). I know people who never - or at least seldom - complain about their children or about parenthood, and I can completely believe that parenthood is worth it for them. And yet I also have had people admit to me that if they had it to do over again, they would not have children. Apparently all of the trouble isn’t worth it to everyone.
Years ago, advice columnist Ann Landers, in response to a query about having children, asked her readers, “If you had it to do over again, would you have children?” She received over 10,000 responses, 70% of which answered NO. While this in no way implies that 70% of all people wish they had not had children, it does tell us that around 7,000 of Ann's readers had experiences that were unpleasant enough to compel them to write to Ann. That’s a lot of readers!
This sort of reminds me of the events surrounding the story of Noah in Genesis 6, when God expresses sorrow for having created humankind. If God himself can regret having children, it doesn’t surprise me that human beings could feel the same way about their offspring.
Undoubtedly, for some people it is worth it. I too have done difficult things in my life that were ultimately “worth it” (graduate school comes to mind). I know people who never - or at least seldom - complain about their children or about parenthood, and I can completely believe that parenthood is worth it for them. And yet I also have had people admit to me that if they had it to do over again, they would not have children. Apparently all of the trouble isn’t worth it to everyone.
Years ago, advice columnist Ann Landers, in response to a query about having children, asked her readers, “If you had it to do over again, would you have children?” She received over 10,000 responses, 70% of which answered NO. While this in no way implies that 70% of all people wish they had not had children, it does tell us that around 7,000 of Ann's readers had experiences that were unpleasant enough to compel them to write to Ann. That’s a lot of readers!
This sort of reminds me of the events surrounding the story of Noah in Genesis 6, when God expresses sorrow for having created humankind. If God himself can regret having children, it doesn’t surprise me that human beings could feel the same way about their offspring.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God is this...
…to care for orphans in their distress. (James 1:27, NRSV) Today’s post is a follow-up to my comments about adoption in a previous post. I shared a very personal conviction about adoption that day, but my feelings go far beyond just my own experience. As James says, all Christians are called to care for orphans.
My guess is that at the time James penned those words, caring for orphans in a practical way might have entailed giving alms, maybe even adoption in some cases, but most families probably could not afford to take on another child. As I look at the abundance that many in the world have (and I am especially thinking about Americans since I’m from the U.S.), I think that the practical application of caring for the orphans should go beyond giving a little money to charity and should focus on adoption of the 130 - 140 million orphans in the world (source of that statistic: United Nations). Every time another friend, family member, or acquaintance announces she is pregnant, I can’t help but feel a deep sadness for an orphan who would have done well in that home. I try not to be judgmental because I hate it when people judge me for being childfree, but I begin to wonder if it is morally wrong for a Christian to procreate if it results in that Christian shirking her/his God-given duty to care for the orphans.
My guess is that at the time James penned those words, caring for orphans in a practical way might have entailed giving alms, maybe even adoption in some cases, but most families probably could not afford to take on another child. As I look at the abundance that many in the world have (and I am especially thinking about Americans since I’m from the U.S.), I think that the practical application of caring for the orphans should go beyond giving a little money to charity and should focus on adoption of the 130 - 140 million orphans in the world (source of that statistic: United Nations). Every time another friend, family member, or acquaintance announces she is pregnant, I can’t help but feel a deep sadness for an orphan who would have done well in that home. I try not to be judgmental because I hate it when people judge me for being childfree, but I begin to wonder if it is morally wrong for a Christian to procreate if it results in that Christian shirking her/his God-given duty to care for the orphans.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Childfree Christian Friends
I have had the luxury of working with many childfree people in my field, so I tend to feel more "normal" and comfortable in my daily surroundings than do many of the childfree people I meet online. In fact, three of the four people with whom I work in my immediate department are childfree! (However, to be honest, one of them could be childless instead of childfree, but I have never pried into her personal life to find out why she never had children. She does carry herself as someone who has a very rich and full life without children, and she doesn't seem all that interested in other people's children.) In addition, two of those childfree folks are also Christians. When I visited yet another childfree Christian friend this past weekend, I was struck by how fortunate I am to have these people in my life.
All four of the people I mentioned above are in their fifties, long past the stage where they could be in danger of developing "baby rabies." They have all done amazing things, have wonderful careers, continue to develop their careers and their interests, and have fulfilling lives. None of them show the slightest sign of regret for not having children. The woman I visited this past weekend has recently started a doctoral program, is editing a college textbook, and is gearing up to write a textbook of her own. It was so much fun to talk with her about her exciting life, to discuss a little bit of politics, to share our faith, and to not have the typical topics of kids and child-rearing enter the conversation (something I cannot escape hearing about from 99% of my friends and family members).
These folks have also mentored me tremendously in my career, and I believe they could not have done this quite as effectively if they had children -- mainly because of the time, energy, and career experience involved. My childed colleagues have never been as helpful, probably because they were so wrapped up in their own lives that they couldn't take the time to share with a new, young colleague. And I don't say that as a judgment; it's simply a statement of fact.
I am eternally grateful for these childfree Christian friends and role models that I have. I hope that I can follow their example to continually grow in my career, exercise my talents, and become a mentor and role model to others.
All four of the people I mentioned above are in their fifties, long past the stage where they could be in danger of developing "baby rabies." They have all done amazing things, have wonderful careers, continue to develop their careers and their interests, and have fulfilling lives. None of them show the slightest sign of regret for not having children. The woman I visited this past weekend has recently started a doctoral program, is editing a college textbook, and is gearing up to write a textbook of her own. It was so much fun to talk with her about her exciting life, to discuss a little bit of politics, to share our faith, and to not have the typical topics of kids and child-rearing enter the conversation (something I cannot escape hearing about from 99% of my friends and family members).
These folks have also mentored me tremendously in my career, and I believe they could not have done this quite as effectively if they had children -- mainly because of the time, energy, and career experience involved. My childed colleagues have never been as helpful, probably because they were so wrapped up in their own lives that they couldn't take the time to share with a new, young colleague. And I don't say that as a judgment; it's simply a statement of fact.
I am eternally grateful for these childfree Christian friends and role models that I have. I hope that I can follow their example to continually grow in my career, exercise my talents, and become a mentor and role model to others.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The Purpose of Marriage
One of the bingo card links I recently posted has a box that says, “The only reason to get married is to have children!” In the modern day, Western, happily-ever-after fairy tale culture in which I was raised, I suppose I was indoctrinated to believe that the only reason to get married is love, and that message came at me from both the secular and religious worlds. But OK, let’s talk about whether or not marriage is just about having children.
I think my deepest held beliefs about marriage sprang from the story of the creation of Eve in Genesis 2: “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper* as his partner.’ So out of the ground the Lord God formed every animal of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them… but for the man, there was not found a helper as his partner.” (v. 18-21, NRSV) So God created Eve, brought her to Adam (easiest wedding in history!), and we have the conclusion (v.24), “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
As I write this, something one of my high school Bible teachers, Mr. L, used to say rings in my ears. In Genesis 1, we read over and over again that “God saw that it was good” after each stage of creation, but after creating only one human, God said, “It is not good…” I recall at least one occasion where Mr. L., in response to this passage, said to the young men in the class, “Guys, women are not your problem, they are the solution to your problem!”
I am not here to debate whether Genesis is intended to give us a history lesson of a literal, seven-day period of creation or if it is an allegorical tale to help humans understand our purpose on this planet. Even so, if you will pardon my digression for a moment… I was always taught that Moses wrote the book of Genesis, but some scholars believe the book actually has several authors; and if you look at the two creation stories presented in chapters one and two, there does seem to be a different tone to each one. Indeed, the description in chapter two (beginning about v.4) seems to imply a slower and more gradual creation of the planet. In any case, I think there is still something to be learned here.
I do acknowledge that the creation story in Genesis 1 gives the blessing, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Having two sexes enables reproduction as we know it; Adam couldn’t have filled the earth on his own. But this blessing is noticeably absent in the story in Genesis 2. Instead, we are shown that the first marriage was primarily about companionship. It may also be worth pointing out that God intended marriage to be forever and not just for the duration of the upbringing of children (“What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate,” Mark 10:9), so while marriage might serve a useful purpose in providing a stable environment for having children, children are clearly not the only reason to be married. Interestingly, a growing body of research has been showing that marriage is good for people’s well-being, while having children is not. (Perhaps another topic for another post.)
This is why I married, and I genuinely believe that one of my purposes on this planet is to minister to my husband. I know that his life is better because of me, and mine because of him. Further, I believe that our having children would divert us from that purpose, and that would be wrong.
* The use of the word “helper” for Eve really ruffles some people’s feathers as they think it implies she was to be Adam’s servant. However, as Paul Smith explains in his book Is It Okay to Call God “Mother”?, the Hebrew word for helper, ezer, refers to one who comes to someone’s aid in a desperate time of need. This very same word is often used for God, such as in Psalm 70:5, where God is “my help and my deliverer.” It stands to reason, then, that Eve was not intended to be a helper as a subordinate, but rather she was coming to Adam’s rescue. (I’d like to make a quick plug for Smith’s book, since it revolutionized the way I view God. It brought me to a point of anger where I thought I would have to leave the church for its idolatry and discrimination, but it also helped me feel the tug of Christ, saying, “Let go of people’s ignorance, but don’t let go of Me.”)
Do you see the partnership aspect of marriage as being just as important as (maybe more than?) the procreative aspect?
I think my deepest held beliefs about marriage sprang from the story of the creation of Eve in Genesis 2: “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper* as his partner.’ So out of the ground the Lord God formed every animal of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them… but for the man, there was not found a helper as his partner.” (v. 18-21, NRSV) So God created Eve, brought her to Adam (easiest wedding in history!), and we have the conclusion (v.24), “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
As I write this, something one of my high school Bible teachers, Mr. L, used to say rings in my ears. In Genesis 1, we read over and over again that “God saw that it was good” after each stage of creation, but after creating only one human, God said, “It is not good…” I recall at least one occasion where Mr. L., in response to this passage, said to the young men in the class, “Guys, women are not your problem, they are the solution to your problem!”
I am not here to debate whether Genesis is intended to give us a history lesson of a literal, seven-day period of creation or if it is an allegorical tale to help humans understand our purpose on this planet. Even so, if you will pardon my digression for a moment… I was always taught that Moses wrote the book of Genesis, but some scholars believe the book actually has several authors; and if you look at the two creation stories presented in chapters one and two, there does seem to be a different tone to each one. Indeed, the description in chapter two (beginning about v.4) seems to imply a slower and more gradual creation of the planet. In any case, I think there is still something to be learned here.
I do acknowledge that the creation story in Genesis 1 gives the blessing, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Having two sexes enables reproduction as we know it; Adam couldn’t have filled the earth on his own. But this blessing is noticeably absent in the story in Genesis 2. Instead, we are shown that the first marriage was primarily about companionship. It may also be worth pointing out that God intended marriage to be forever and not just for the duration of the upbringing of children (“What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate,” Mark 10:9), so while marriage might serve a useful purpose in providing a stable environment for having children, children are clearly not the only reason to be married. Interestingly, a growing body of research has been showing that marriage is good for people’s well-being, while having children is not. (Perhaps another topic for another post.)
This is why I married, and I genuinely believe that one of my purposes on this planet is to minister to my husband. I know that his life is better because of me, and mine because of him. Further, I believe that our having children would divert us from that purpose, and that would be wrong.
* The use of the word “helper” for Eve really ruffles some people’s feathers as they think it implies she was to be Adam’s servant. However, as Paul Smith explains in his book Is It Okay to Call God “Mother”?, the Hebrew word for helper, ezer, refers to one who comes to someone’s aid in a desperate time of need. This very same word is often used for God, such as in Psalm 70:5, where God is “my help and my deliverer.” It stands to reason, then, that Eve was not intended to be a helper as a subordinate, but rather she was coming to Adam’s rescue. (I’d like to make a quick plug for Smith’s book, since it revolutionized the way I view God. It brought me to a point of anger where I thought I would have to leave the church for its idolatry and discrimination, but it also helped me feel the tug of Christ, saying, “Let go of people’s ignorance, but don’t let go of Me.”)
Do you see the partnership aspect of marriage as being just as important as (maybe more than?) the procreative aspect?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Bingo! (Or, Doesn’t Anyone Have an Original Thought Anymore?)
Before I started participating in online forums, I had not heard the term “bingo” before in reference to someone making an insensitive comment about another person’s choices or beliefs. As I began reading the stories of people all over the world who were being bingoed for their childfree choice, I realized several things. 1) It wasn’t just me being overly sensitive. 2) Apparently I was not doing anything wrong or doing anything that inadvertently triggered people into bingoing me. 3) People across the globe are completely unoriginal, but they seem to think they have just made some comment of such astounding enlightenment that it will most certainly change the childfree person’s mind.
Interestingly, I have received very few bingos from my fellow Christians, and the ones I have received have been no different from the rest of the bingos that come from the rest of the world. The first (and only, now that I think about it) “religious” bingo came from a girlfriend at church who protested, “But God said to be fruitful and multiply.” I was quick to point out that this statement was made only to Adam & Eve and then later to Noah and his family, and at a time when there were no other people on the earth. With the billions we had now, that directive had been fulfilled. This stopped my friend dead in her tracks. (I have since learned that some scholars recognize this as a blessing and not a command.)
In case any of you are unfamiliar with these bingos, some clever people have put together “bingo cards” that you can use to track all of the clichés that people might hand you.
Here’s one.
And another.
(Because it appears on the cards above, I do feel compelled to clarify that in childfree circles, some folks use the term “breeder” as a derogatory term for bad or ignorant parents. In general, they do not use it for thoughtful parents who are working hard to raise good children. I personally avoid the word altogether, except in the comfort of my own home where my husband and I sometimes jokingly use the term in its most literal sense to refer to -- very neutrally -- “one who breeds.”)
The Childfree Life even has t-shirts, mugs, bags, etc., to display your bingo card. Sit back, have a chuckle at the cards, and reflect in amazement with me at how so many people can say the same things over and over with nary an original thought.
What’s your favorite bingo? Or your favorite “religious” bingo? More importantly, what is your best, Christ-honoring response to a bingo?
Interestingly, I have received very few bingos from my fellow Christians, and the ones I have received have been no different from the rest of the bingos that come from the rest of the world. The first (and only, now that I think about it) “religious” bingo came from a girlfriend at church who protested, “But God said to be fruitful and multiply.” I was quick to point out that this statement was made only to Adam & Eve and then later to Noah and his family, and at a time when there were no other people on the earth. With the billions we had now, that directive had been fulfilled. This stopped my friend dead in her tracks. (I have since learned that some scholars recognize this as a blessing and not a command.)
In case any of you are unfamiliar with these bingos, some clever people have put together “bingo cards” that you can use to track all of the clichés that people might hand you.
Here’s one.
And another.
(Because it appears on the cards above, I do feel compelled to clarify that in childfree circles, some folks use the term “breeder” as a derogatory term for bad or ignorant parents. In general, they do not use it for thoughtful parents who are working hard to raise good children. I personally avoid the word altogether, except in the comfort of my own home where my husband and I sometimes jokingly use the term in its most literal sense to refer to -- very neutrally -- “one who breeds.”)
The Childfree Life even has t-shirts, mugs, bags, etc., to display your bingo card. Sit back, have a chuckle at the cards, and reflect in amazement with me at how so many people can say the same things over and over with nary an original thought.
What’s your favorite bingo? Or your favorite “religious” bingo? More importantly, what is your best, Christ-honoring response to a bingo?
Sunday, June 28, 2009
A Clear Path to Follow
I do believe I was actually called to not have children, although the reason was not always clear to me (and sometimes still is not). In fact, God decided to lay out a very clear path for my life in many respects.
At some point when I was a teenager, I had a glimpse of why God might want me to be childless: adoption. As I watched and listened to stories of orphans, I could hear the still, small voice of God saying to me, “This is what I would have from you.” So I agreed with God, “OK, someday.” However, this is where the path has become uncertain… will someday ever come? I am still open to adoption, particularly of an older child, but the call has become all but silent. In the meantime, I sponsor a couple of children through World Vision, and I support Show Hope. I ask myself if perhaps this is what God wants for me, at least for now. There is one thing about which I am certain: when or if the time for adoption comes, it will be abundantly clear.
[As kind of a post script to this blog… I wrote a more detailed and secular version of my thoughts on adoption for publication on The Childfree Life, called “Childfree, but Passionate for Adoption.” Check it out, and expect to see a few more posts about adoption on my blog in the future.]
- When I was 10 years old, I discovered what I would like to study in college.
- When I was 12 years old, I realized what my future career would be.
- At 17 years old, it was so clear which college I should attend that I filled out only one college application and was awarded a full scholarship to that school.
- At 20, God put me in the path of a young woman who introduced me to the study abroad program, and I spent the following fall in England as an exchange student. God used this to re-direct the path I had been on by expanding my view of the world and expanding the scope of my career.
- At 21, God intervened (mostly through that study abroad) in an unhealthy relationship in which I had spent many years. I rededicated my life to God and told him I would be willing to remain single forever if it would suit his purposes. Within a few months, I met my husband-to-be. I held him at arm’s length for quite some time until I could no longer deny that we were supposed to be together.
- As with my undergraduate college, I applied to only one graduate school when I was 22. It was clear where I should go, and God blessed us abundantly during that time.
- As I neared the end of grad school at 25, I applied for about 50 jobs in several states, all the while asking God for clarity about where we should go. The answer was clear: one job offer (and I am still at that job 9 years later).
At some point when I was a teenager, I had a glimpse of why God might want me to be childless: adoption. As I watched and listened to stories of orphans, I could hear the still, small voice of God saying to me, “This is what I would have from you.” So I agreed with God, “OK, someday.” However, this is where the path has become uncertain… will someday ever come? I am still open to adoption, particularly of an older child, but the call has become all but silent. In the meantime, I sponsor a couple of children through World Vision, and I support Show Hope. I ask myself if perhaps this is what God wants for me, at least for now. There is one thing about which I am certain: when or if the time for adoption comes, it will be abundantly clear.
[As kind of a post script to this blog… I wrote a more detailed and secular version of my thoughts on adoption for publication on The Childfree Life, called “Childfree, but Passionate for Adoption.” Check it out, and expect to see a few more posts about adoption on my blog in the future.]
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The State of Our World
I had a discussion recently with a colleague of mine, a childfree Christian now in her 50s. When I mentioned that the state of the world and its suffering was one of many reasons that I don’t want to have children, she shared that this was one of the reasons she and her husband also made that decision. She believes that we may be living in the “End Times.” I don’t know whether we are or not, but Jesus did express that times would come when it will be much better for those of us without children, “And alas for women who are pregnant and for those who are nursing infants in those days!” (Mark 13:17) And, “For behold, the days are coming when they will say, ‘Blessed are the barren and the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!’” (Luke 23:29)
Our current world is a dangerous place, full of suffering, inhumane action toward each other, natural disasters, corrupt leaders, many of the things described in Mark 13 (nation rising up against nation, earthquakes, famine, children putting parents to death). Here’s a sampling of today’s headlines:
“N. Korea Warns U.S. of 'Thousand-Fold' Military Action”
“California Teen Fugitives Arrested in Mother's Murder”
“Apparent Minnesota Tornado Leaves Path of Destruction”
“Parents of Murdered Pizza Deliveryman Sue Domino's”
“Teen Sentenced for Dragging Boy in Noose”
“Al Qaeda Blamed for Somali Security Minister Attack”
“Ex-Major League Ballplayer Sentenced 45 Years for Raping Girl”
“Hunger continues to threaten families in Kenya”
When I look at the world we live in, I cannot keep myself from thinking, “Blessed are the wombs that never bore!”
Our current world is a dangerous place, full of suffering, inhumane action toward each other, natural disasters, corrupt leaders, many of the things described in Mark 13 (nation rising up against nation, earthquakes, famine, children putting parents to death). Here’s a sampling of today’s headlines:
“N. Korea Warns U.S. of 'Thousand-Fold' Military Action”
“California Teen Fugitives Arrested in Mother's Murder”
“Apparent Minnesota Tornado Leaves Path of Destruction”
“Parents of Murdered Pizza Deliveryman Sue Domino's”
“Teen Sentenced for Dragging Boy in Noose”
“Al Qaeda Blamed for Somali Security Minister Attack”
“Ex-Major League Ballplayer Sentenced 45 Years for Raping Girl”
“Hunger continues to threaten families in Kenya”
When I look at the world we live in, I cannot keep myself from thinking, “Blessed are the wombs that never bore!”
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Rebellion Against God
I came across an article from 2003, “It All Right for a Married Couple to Choose to Remain Childless?”, which concludes that a prayerfully considered choice to be childless is not necessarily wrong for a Christian couple. There are a few facets of the article upon which I would like to comment.
I was particularly struck by the statement, “Just as couples who choose childlessness must carefully consider their motives and callings, so must couples who desire to become parents.” Amen to that! I am so tired of the childfree constantly having to justify our reasons to the world, while those with children are never called out on their reasons for having children, however selfish they may be. Contrary to what our society seems to say, and how our culture seems to promote parents to the status of sainthood, people do not always have children for the “right” reasons. It cannot possibly be “worse” to be childfree than to have children for idolatrous or self-serving reasons. Children are not toys, accessories, status symbols, hobbies, or experiments. They are people with minds, feelings, and their own purpose. Having children should not be taken lightly.
I was discouraged by the subtle implication that most(?) childfree people tend to be selfish and irresponsible:
“Are they being self-indulgent or making an idol of career or money?”
“My concern, however, is with those who choose not to have kids because they think the task of bearing and raising children robs them of their ‘freedom’ to do and have what they want.”
Back to the previous paragraph, most people have children because it’s what they want to do/have. Why is it somehow more wrong for a childfree person to do/have what she or he wants?
I think another reason that stereotype bothers me is that I have conversed with many, many childfree people (some of them Christians), and the stereotype actually seems to be the minority. Most childfree people who articulate the reasons for their choice have a very logical, selfless, and thoughtful rationale for their decision. Christian or not, the childfree tend to take the decision quite seriously and do not see it as a frivolous issue.
For myself, I just plain have never wanted to have children. This feeling is no more selfish and no more rebellious than my not wanting to move to Alabama or not wanting to go camping or not wanting to be a psychology major in college. As I have been pressed by society to justify my position, I have carefully considered additional reasons to have and to not have children. And I have considered moral reasons to not have children. Sometime I will tell you about the day I believe God actually called me to not have children.
“Childless-by-choice couples always should ask whether they have a special responsibility to serve God's people in ways couples with kids can't.” From what I can see, most people with kids aren’t doing much to serve God’s people because they are so wrapped up in their own kids’ lives. Their own family takes priority above all else. Between the little league games, band camp, ballet lessons, karate practice, both parents working so that they can afford a 3,500 square foot house and two giant vehicles to tote their offspring around town, there’s not much time left to serve God. I would guess that anyone who doesn’t have kids is more capable of serving God than someone with kids. Whether they have a “special responsibility” or not, the childfree couple certainly has the ability “to serve God’s people in ways couples with kids can’t” (or won't).
So while the author does conclude that deliberate childlessness can be morally acceptable, there is still a tenor of “just make sure you aren’t rebelling against God with this decision.” When people start throwing that admonition at people having children, I might take it a little more seriously.
I was particularly struck by the statement, “Just as couples who choose childlessness must carefully consider their motives and callings, so must couples who desire to become parents.” Amen to that! I am so tired of the childfree constantly having to justify our reasons to the world, while those with children are never called out on their reasons for having children, however selfish they may be. Contrary to what our society seems to say, and how our culture seems to promote parents to the status of sainthood, people do not always have children for the “right” reasons. It cannot possibly be “worse” to be childfree than to have children for idolatrous or self-serving reasons. Children are not toys, accessories, status symbols, hobbies, or experiments. They are people with minds, feelings, and their own purpose. Having children should not be taken lightly.
I was discouraged by the subtle implication that most(?) childfree people tend to be selfish and irresponsible:
“Are they being self-indulgent or making an idol of career or money?”
“My concern, however, is with those who choose not to have kids because they think the task of bearing and raising children robs them of their ‘freedom’ to do and have what they want.”
Back to the previous paragraph, most people have children because it’s what they want to do/have. Why is it somehow more wrong for a childfree person to do/have what she or he wants?
I think another reason that stereotype bothers me is that I have conversed with many, many childfree people (some of them Christians), and the stereotype actually seems to be the minority. Most childfree people who articulate the reasons for their choice have a very logical, selfless, and thoughtful rationale for their decision. Christian or not, the childfree tend to take the decision quite seriously and do not see it as a frivolous issue.
For myself, I just plain have never wanted to have children. This feeling is no more selfish and no more rebellious than my not wanting to move to Alabama or not wanting to go camping or not wanting to be a psychology major in college. As I have been pressed by society to justify my position, I have carefully considered additional reasons to have and to not have children. And I have considered moral reasons to not have children. Sometime I will tell you about the day I believe God actually called me to not have children.
“Childless-by-choice couples always should ask whether they have a special responsibility to serve God's people in ways couples with kids can't.” From what I can see, most people with kids aren’t doing much to serve God’s people because they are so wrapped up in their own kids’ lives. Their own family takes priority above all else. Between the little league games, band camp, ballet lessons, karate practice, both parents working so that they can afford a 3,500 square foot house and two giant vehicles to tote their offspring around town, there’s not much time left to serve God. I would guess that anyone who doesn’t have kids is more capable of serving God than someone with kids. Whether they have a “special responsibility” or not, the childfree couple certainly has the ability “to serve God’s people in ways couples with kids can’t” (or won't).
So while the author does conclude that deliberate childlessness can be morally acceptable, there is still a tenor of “just make sure you aren’t rebelling against God with this decision.” When people start throwing that admonition at people having children, I might take it a little more seriously.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Nothing More Than Idolatry
For a lot of us Christians, there are many things in our lives that start to take priority over our relationship with Christ… money, career, material possessions, status, a significant other. On my bulletin board in my office, I have tacked a few lines from a dc Talk song:
My observation of parents, Christian and non-Christian alike, is that their children are the primary focus of their life. I’m not saying that taking care of one’s children should not be a priority. Clearly, parents are instructed to lovingly raise their children with guidance and discipline (Eph. 6:4). However, I am bombarded with people claiming that they love their children more than anything else or that they focus on their children above all else, including above their spouse. I am bombarded by people acting as such, with the constant chatter about their children, the use of their child’s photo as their facebook profile picture, an unremitting barrage of photos and videos of the latest antics of their child… and a tremendous concern that all of the rest of us need to procreate.
For some reason, I would expect the Christian community to be different from the secular world, less nosy, less busy-body, less child-focused and more Christ-focused. We do still believe in the Great Commission, right? To go out into the world and preach to the people who already exist (not just to create new people who we can hopefully indoctrinate in order to build the numbers within the church)? I wondered if I must be the only one who was bothered by this, and then I ran across this scathing diatribe against the church’s treatment of children, family, and the childfree. (Be aware that the link is not friendly to children, so please don’t read the commentary if you are easily offended. While I don’t take quite as extreme a stance as the author, I think there are many good points in the writing. And for heaven’s sake, if you read the article and are offended, please don’t embarrass us all by sending hate mail to the author.)
The main idea I want to leave you with is that too many Christians are spending more time glorifying their children than they are spending worshipping Christ. All of this obsession with offspring seems nothing more than idolatry to me.
The subtleties of darkness never cease to amaze
As a physical world creates a spiritual haze.
Blinded by distractions
Lost in matterless affairs
Reaching through the darkness
Trusting you will meet me there.
This serves as my reminder not to let the cares of my job (“matterless affairs”) cause me to lose my focus on Christ.As a physical world creates a spiritual haze.
Blinded by distractions
Lost in matterless affairs
Reaching through the darkness
Trusting you will meet me there.
My observation of parents, Christian and non-Christian alike, is that their children are the primary focus of their life. I’m not saying that taking care of one’s children should not be a priority. Clearly, parents are instructed to lovingly raise their children with guidance and discipline (Eph. 6:4). However, I am bombarded with people claiming that they love their children more than anything else or that they focus on their children above all else, including above their spouse. I am bombarded by people acting as such, with the constant chatter about their children, the use of their child’s photo as their facebook profile picture, an unremitting barrage of photos and videos of the latest antics of their child… and a tremendous concern that all of the rest of us need to procreate.
For some reason, I would expect the Christian community to be different from the secular world, less nosy, less busy-body, less child-focused and more Christ-focused. We do still believe in the Great Commission, right? To go out into the world and preach to the people who already exist (not just to create new people who we can hopefully indoctrinate in order to build the numbers within the church)? I wondered if I must be the only one who was bothered by this, and then I ran across this scathing diatribe against the church’s treatment of children, family, and the childfree. (Be aware that the link is not friendly to children, so please don’t read the commentary if you are easily offended. While I don’t take quite as extreme a stance as the author, I think there are many good points in the writing. And for heaven’s sake, if you read the article and are offended, please don’t embarrass us all by sending hate mail to the author.)
The main idea I want to leave you with is that too many Christians are spending more time glorifying their children than they are spending worshipping Christ. All of this obsession with offspring seems nothing more than idolatry to me.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Is “Childfree Christian” an oxymoron?
My short answer to that question is “no.” Before I get into the details, I’d like to share a little about my background… a sort of “resume,” if you will. I’d rather not have someone accuse me of being an ignorant fly-by-night who hasn’t read her Bible.
I probably went to church for the first time within a week or so of being born into a Christian family, and I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was four years old. Dad read Bible stories to my siblings and me every night before bed, and we were all regular church-goers – Sunday school, morning and evening worship services on Sundays, prayer meetings or youth group meetings on Wednesdays. To top it off, my parents enrolled me in Christian schools where I spent thirteen years getting a solid academic and spiritual education. I memorized countless Bible verses, completed rigorous studies of both the Old and New Testaments, and attended doctrine classes.
And yet somehow, through all of that, though I observed that it was “normal” for most people to have children, I never had the impression it was morally wrong to not have them. Nothing in all of my Bible studies, all of my school lessons, all of the sermons I heard, ever struck me as an imperative to procreate. The blessing, “Be fruitful and multiply,” in Genesis had no effect on me as I considered the billions of people on the planet and determined that humankind had already answered that call. Instead, I concluded that the Bible does not forbid being childfree, nor does it necessarily promote it.
There are so many things I would like to tackle in this blog about this subject, but I think it would be best to discuss them in several separate posts. I’ll leave you with what I believe to be the most powerful support of being childfree from I Corinthians 7. Here, the Apostle Paul focuses on sexuality, marriage relationships, and God's call to serve. Paul, as a single man, encourages other Christians to remain single (verses 7, 8, 26, 38, 40) in order to “free [them] from anxieties” (v.32) and to enable their “undivided devotion to the Lord” (v.35). He does acknowledge that this is not a command from God but is Paul’s own opinion (v.25), and he encourages the believers to take the path to which they were called, whether that be marriage or the single life (v.17). Because Paul equates singleness with abstinence from sex, this would naturally lead to being childfree. Indirectly, Paul’s message thus encourages Christians to remain childfree so that they can devote their attention to serving God.
I realize that Paul doesn’t go so far as to encourage married Christians to remain childfree, but this is not surprising since birth control options were limited in Paul's day. He does, however, condone a couple’s decision to abstain from sex for a period of time for spiritual reasons (v.5). There is nothing to say that pregnancy prevention couldn’t be one of those reasons.
And of course, let’s not forget that Jesus, the center of our faith and the one who we are to emulate, was also childfree.
I probably went to church for the first time within a week or so of being born into a Christian family, and I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was four years old. Dad read Bible stories to my siblings and me every night before bed, and we were all regular church-goers – Sunday school, morning and evening worship services on Sundays, prayer meetings or youth group meetings on Wednesdays. To top it off, my parents enrolled me in Christian schools where I spent thirteen years getting a solid academic and spiritual education. I memorized countless Bible verses, completed rigorous studies of both the Old and New Testaments, and attended doctrine classes.
And yet somehow, through all of that, though I observed that it was “normal” for most people to have children, I never had the impression it was morally wrong to not have them. Nothing in all of my Bible studies, all of my school lessons, all of the sermons I heard, ever struck me as an imperative to procreate. The blessing, “Be fruitful and multiply,” in Genesis had no effect on me as I considered the billions of people on the planet and determined that humankind had already answered that call. Instead, I concluded that the Bible does not forbid being childfree, nor does it necessarily promote it.
There are so many things I would like to tackle in this blog about this subject, but I think it would be best to discuss them in several separate posts. I’ll leave you with what I believe to be the most powerful support of being childfree from I Corinthians 7. Here, the Apostle Paul focuses on sexuality, marriage relationships, and God's call to serve. Paul, as a single man, encourages other Christians to remain single (verses 7, 8, 26, 38, 40) in order to “free [them] from anxieties” (v.32) and to enable their “undivided devotion to the Lord” (v.35). He does acknowledge that this is not a command from God but is Paul’s own opinion (v.25), and he encourages the believers to take the path to which they were called, whether that be marriage or the single life (v.17). Because Paul equates singleness with abstinence from sex, this would naturally lead to being childfree. Indirectly, Paul’s message thus encourages Christians to remain childfree so that they can devote their attention to serving God.
I realize that Paul doesn’t go so far as to encourage married Christians to remain childfree, but this is not surprising since birth control options were limited in Paul's day. He does, however, condone a couple’s decision to abstain from sex for a period of time for spiritual reasons (v.5). There is nothing to say that pregnancy prevention couldn’t be one of those reasons.
And of course, let’s not forget that Jesus, the center of our faith and the one who we are to emulate, was also childfree.
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